A thoughtful night

After everything was done I put the knife back into my bag. It has already gotten late. The sun was currently politely excusing itself and slowly disappeared.

I laid down on my bed and looked at the ceiling. It seemed far away, so I moved my arm and tried to touch it. However, not only did I not come close to touching it, I also caused myself another wave of pain. When I moved my arm, the cuts instantly reacted and made themselves noticeable. I quickly let down my arm again and now just was lying on there.

My face was still overwhelmed by the feelings I had previously felt. The corners of my mouth were highly raised and I sensed it. Right now my face was wearing the same expression I had previously seen on Felix's face.

I was smiling. Grinning even. I was ecstatic, even though the part of the plan where I become happy was still to come.

"Dontcha waste all ya grinning now. We still gotta make ya grin even harder, bud."

"You're right, but... I just can't."

Knowing that I was even one step closer to my goal, no matter how small that step was, was giving my feelings I couldn't put into words. I loved having emotions. I loved having feelings. I therefore also loved feeling pain. But feeling pain was also terrible and I hated it. I hated feeling pain and nonetheless I loved it.

Is this feeling explainable? If it is, I am not the right person to explain it. I can't really understand it despite me feeling it.

Time passed. I was just lying there, ecstatic. Felix was flying around my room. I can't look inside her head. But I'd guess she's thinking bout the plans. Maybe she's also just bored.

"I'm happy already."

"Why tho? You was only cuttin yaself."

"Well... Yeah. But it kinda feels good."

"So, ya like cuttin?"

"I'm... Not sure. I... Don't like it, no. But it... I don't know. I feel something while doing it and... I like that."

"So ya like the feeling of feeling at all?"

"Uhhhh... Yes?"

"I see."

Then we were silent again.

"Sometimes ya don't need to exchange words to understand each other, ya know?"

"Yeah, I know." I did, in fact, not know. I didn't know at all if I'm completely honest. So why didn't I tell her that I had no idea what she's talking about? Understanding what is going on inside of Felix would ultimately help me, wouldn't it? Despite that, I just accepted what she said and didn't ask further. Was that my very own way of understanding her without exchanging words?

I was honestly overwhelmed. I didn't really know what I should say. If I even should say anything after she had just said that. So I was quiet. Didn't say anything for the rest of the day. Or night. Because soon enough, the sun had completely disappeared. The moon slowly rose onto the sky as time appeared to fly by. At this point, Felix was also lying next to me. The two of us stared at the ceiling, which stopped us from witnessing the infinity of space and the shimmering of the night sky. But it was fine either way. The two of us liked it. I liked it. And Felix liked it too. I'm sure of that. I was smiling. She was also smiling, although she was practically smiling all the time. So can't really count that. Well, either way we just lied there. Together. We didn't care for anything in the world. We probably didn't even care for each other. We probably didn't even care for ourselves. At that moment, when we shared that special moment, we didn't care about anything at all. If I had the chance, I would have let this moment go on for all of eternity. I wouldn't need anything. Just lying with Felix, staring at the ceiling, not caring for anything. That was perhaps the happiest moment I had in my entire life up until this point.