The Great Massage Chair Heist

The Day After the Great Chinese Spa WarThe squad sat around their office, all equally broken both physically and mentally. Kaz had a bandage on his forehead, MJ had his arm in a sling, and Crimson was icing his ribs. Leon was staring blankly at his laptop, and Kai—well, Kai was just scrolling through his phone like he hadn't been drop-kicked by a 90-year-old woman.

Silence.

Then Kaz groaned. "I hate my life."

Leon sighed. "I feel like I got jumped by the entire Shaolin Temple."

Crimson winced as he adjusted his ice pack. "I feel like I got jumped by their ancestors, too."

MJ shook his head. "Y'all know what we need?"

Kai raised an eyebrow. "Therapy?"

MJ shook his head again. "Nah. A massage chair."

Silence.

Then everyone nodded like this was the most genius idea in the world.

"Alright," Leon said, closing his laptop. "We're getting a massage chair."

"And some pizza," Kaz added.

"Of course," MJ nodded.

And just like that, the dumbest shopping trip of their lives began.

—

The Mall Mission BeginsThe squad rolled into the biggest mall in the city. It was packed with people, old ladies walking slow as hell, teenagers acting like they owned the place, and way too many dudes in sweatpants with no purpose in life.

They immediately got distracted.

"Yo," Kaz pointed, "Foot Locker got a sale."

MJ nodded. "Damn, those Jordans look clean."

Kai sighed. "Focus, idiots. We need a chair."

Crimson raised a hand. "And pizza."

"Right, right," Kai muttered.

Then they walked past the Rolex store.

Leon stopped. "Okay, but hear me out—"

"NO." Everyone said in unison.

—

Finding The Perfect ChairAfter 30 minutes of distractions, they finally arrived at RelaxMax Furniture.

A young, overly energetic salesman popped up out of nowhere.

"Hello, gentlemen! Looking for the perfect way to unwind?"

Kai nodded. "Yeah, we need a massage chair."

The salesman's eyes lit up. "Ah, perfect! Right this way!"

He led them to a row of high-tech, futuristic massage chairs.

"Now, this baby right here," the salesman patted a massive, Jetsons-looking chair, "has automatic neck, back, and foot massage settings, customizable intensity, and a built-in Bluetooth speaker."

Kaz whistled. "Damn, it's like a Rolls-Royce but for your spine."

MJ sat in it first.

BZZZZZZZZT.

His eyes rolled back immediately. "Ohhh my God."

Kai leaned forward. "Good?"

MJ just started drooling. "Buy. It. Now."

Leon smirked. "Let me try."

BZZZZZZZZT.

Leon melted into the chair. "Bro… I feel like a marshmallow getting gently roasted."

Crimson cracked his knuckles. "Alright, my turn."

He sat down.

BZZZZZZZZT.

Silence.

Then—Crimson's whole body started convulsing.

Kaz screamed. "BRO, THE CHAIR'S HAVING A SEIZURE!"

Kai backed up. "TURN IT OFF! HE'S DYING!"

Crimson's voice vibrated like a broken radio. "I-I-I c-c-can't f-f-f-feel my s-s-spine!"

MJ panicked. "IT'S TURNING HIM INTO A DAMN TRANSFORMER!"

The salesman pressed a button.

BZZZZT.

Crimson flopped onto the ground like a dead fish.

Silence.

Then Kaz burst out laughing. "BRO LOOKS LIKE HE JUST GOT BAPTIZED BY ELECTRICITY!"

Crimson groaned. "I'm suing."

—

The Pizza BreakAfter purchasing their new beloved massage chair, they made their way to the food court for some pizza.

"Alright," Kai said, taking a bite, "now we celebrate."

Crimson grumbled. "I'm never sitting in that chair again."

Kaz smirked. "Bro, you straight up looked like you got electrocuted in a cartoon."

MJ nodded. "He looked like one of those anime characters getting hit by lightning."

Leon chuckled. "Man's body was glitching like a damn PS2 game."

Crimson rolled his eyes. "Y'all done?"

Kai shook his head. "Nah. We got at least five more minutes of roasting left."

Kaz pointed at Crimson. "Tell me why bro looked like a Mortal Kombat fatality."

Leon clapped. "**Tell me why he was vibrating so much I thought he was about to ascend."

MJ shook his head. "Bro got drop-kicked by a chair and now he's mad at the world."

Crimson sighed. "I hate all of you."

Kaz patted his shoulder. "We hate you too, bro."

They all clinked their drinks together.

At the end of the day, it had been another stupid but successful mission.

—

Back at the OfficeThey brought the massage chair in and set it up.

Leon sighed. "Now, we relax."

Kaz nodded. "No Chinese grandmas. No kung fu. Just peace."

Crimson sat down first.

BZZZZZZZT.

His eyes widened. "Oh sh—"

BZZZZZZZZZZT!

His body convulsed again.

Kaz fell to the ground laughing. "BRO, IT STILL HATES YOU!"

Kai wiped a tear. "Man's relationship with this chair is toxic."

Crimson yelped as the chair tried to fold him like an omelette.

MJ sighed. "This was the best purchase ever."

And as Crimson screamed, the squad just watched—eating pizza and enjoying every second of it.

To be continued…