Time Travel Is Not for Idiots (Yet Here We Are)

Mission Objective: Kill a high-ranking arms dealer.

Mission Status: We broke time.

It Started with a Microwave

The mission was supposed to be simple.

Find the target, eliminate him, get paid. But then Kazuki bought a microwave from a sketchy scientist in an alley.

"Why?" Kai asked, already rubbing his temples.

"It was on sale," Kazuki said.

"That's not a reason!"

But it was too late. MJ tried to heat up a burrito, pressed the wrong button, and accidentally activated the "Temporal Displacement Protocol."

A bright flash. A sudden lurch. And just like that—

We were no longer in 2025.

Welcome to 1805, Idiots

We woke up in a battlefield. Cannons fired.

Muskets exploded. Men in weird wigs screamed war cries.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?!" Kai shouted.

"Judging by the muskets and powdered wigs," Kazuki said, "I'd say... the Napoleonic Wars?"

"...We were supposed to kill an arms dealer,"

Bleaf muttered, watching a guy get bayonetted in the stomach. "Not invent time travel."

Then a cannonball flew past our heads.

And Crimson?

Crimson was riding a horse and screaming.

"FOR NARNIAAAA!"

"THAT'S THE WRONG TIME PERIOD!" Kai yelled.

How to Ruin History in Under Ten Minutes

Naturally, we tried to blend in.

MJ: Stole a French uniform and tried to give Napoleon a high-five.

Kazuki: Tried to invent Wi-Fi in the 1800s.

Bleaf: Stole a British general's wig and insulted everyone in French, despite not speaking French.

Leon: Was flirting with a noblewoman.

Obviously.

Crimson: Declared himself "The King of Cannons" and immediately fired one at random.

That cannonball?

Killed the wrong general.

History?

Ruined.

Accidentally Killing Our Own Ancestors

"Guys," Kai said, pale-faced. "If we stay here too long, we could alter history and erase ourselves from existence."

"Relax," Crimson said, kicking back.

"What's the worst that could happen?"

Then we found Kazuki's great-great-great-grandfather.

"OH MY GOD," Kazuki gasped. "That guy is literally my ancestor."

Five minutes later, Crimson accidentally shot him.

Kazuki started fading from existence.

"DID YOU JUST ERASE KAZUKI FROM TIME?!" Kai screamed.

"Nah, he's fine," Crimson said. "Look, he's still here."

Kazuki had stopped fading, but now he had a weird mustache.

"Okay, WHAT timeline are we in now?" MJ asked.

The Duel (A Clown Vs. Napoleon)

Naturally, we had to fix things.

Solution? Crimson challenged Napoleon to a duel.

Dressed as a clown.

On a unicycle.

With a sword.

"Who allowed this?" Leon asked.

"No one," Kai sighed

The fight was pure chaos. Napoleon stabbed Crimson in the shoulder.

Crimson retaliated by slapping him with a baguette.

The French army cheered for Napoleon.

The British army cheered for Crimson.

And Kazuki?

Kazuki was still recovering from being erased from existence.

Then, out of nowhere, MJ fired a musket at Napoleon.

…..And missed.

...And hit our time machine instead.

Back to the Future (Almost)

The microwave started sparking. The sky ripped open.

"EVERYONE JUMP!" Kai yelled.

One by one, we leaped into the portal.

We landed back in the present, right where we left.

Or so we thought.

Because the first thing we saw?

A 12-foot statue of Crimson in the middle of Times Square.

And the plaque beneath it read:

"Crimson the Great, Slayer of Napoleon, Inventor of the Baguette Slap."

Kai sighed. "We messed up history, didn't we?"

"Or," Crimson grinned, "we made it better."

Epilogue: What We Changed

• Napoleon lost the war earlier than expected.

• Kazuki now has a permanent mustache.

• France has an official holiday called

"Clown Day" in Crimson's honor.

• MJ is now banned from touching history ever again.

• Leon still somehow got a date out of all this.

And Kai?

Kai was just done with all of us.

"Next time we time travel," he said, "we leave Crimson behind."

"Yeah, no," Crimson said. "You guys would die without me."

Sadly, he wasn't wrong.