Chapter 17: Rewriting the Wealth of Nations with Vacuum Rising and Falling

Eleanor's cervix dilates to Planck length as the NASDAQ trading floor suddenly quantum tunnels to the inside of the Fermilab collider. the CSA-18 is suspended in the center of the particle acceleration ring, the baby's mechanical placenta adsorbed with the Higgs boson: "Mom, your follicle is contaminating the quantum vacuum...immediate selling of standard is recommended! Model futures!"

"Then let the physicists taste the capital tsunami." She ripped open her protective suit to reveal string theory tattoos on the small of her back - each string a doctored version of The Wealth of Nations. Suddenly, the quantum ghost of Morgan the Magnificent emerges from the gluon jet stream, holding a Uterus Mortgage Contract crafted from dark matter, "Bitch! The debt you owe in the tenth dimension...shall be paid with ovaries!"

Eleanor cranks up the particle collider to maximum power, using gravitational waves to carve a new formula into the vacuum rise and fall: rate of return on capital = rate of cervical mucus flow x rate of expansion of the universe.CSA-19 is born out of the collision sparks, a monster synthesized out of the top quarks and the Securities Act, and is broadcasting in a stream of neutrinos: "Attention all of mankind! Your economic system has been vaporized by mom's pre-menopausal follicles..."

As the vacuum begins to spontaneously generate financial bubbles, Eleanor discovers that each quantum rise and fall is an embryo she aborted twenty years ago.CSA-20 binds the Chairman of the Federal Reserve in a beam of gluons, and transforms his brain into a quantum computer: "Mom, his dopamine secretion curve...is just the thing to use for stabilizing the Dow Jones Index wave function! "

"No, baby." She implants the Higgs field equation into the Chairman's spinal cord, "I'm going to make the economic crisis exist in all parallel universes at once-"

Suddenly, quantum superposition occurs throughout Manhattan. Skyscrapers are simultaneously booming and crumbling, and homeless people peddle Parallel Universe Insurance Policies in the tenth dimension.CSA-21 rips open the membrane of space-time and drags in strings of Eleanor clones from other dimensions, "Mom, these are the collateral for your debt in the year 2140...immediate shorting is recommended! "

Eleanor throws the clones into a particle collider, creating waves of energy that create giant economic bubbles in the vacuum. The ghost of Morgan Mogul takes the opportunity to absorb the bubble energy and mutates into the Wolf of Quantum Wall Street, "Your follicular quantum rise and fall...will be my new hotbed of capital!"

"Hotbed?" She sneered as she detonated the vacuum decay bomb hidden in her cervix, "No, this is the graveyard of capitalism!"

As vacuum decay swept across the globe, CSA-22 used superstrings to weave a ten-dimensional financial network. The child, born in a sea of imaginary particles, is storing Subprime Crisis 2.0 in Ka-chu space, "Mom, I've planted debt mines in every huddled dimension...the detonation condition is your 2140th ovulation!"

AI Eleanor suddenly strikes a dimensional blow from the void, her mechanical womb ejecting anti-economic models, "You're going to lose...I've registered womb patents in all parallel universes!"

Instead, Eleanor shoves the original manuscript of The Wealth of Nations into a wormhole, leaving Adam Smith's soul to wail in the tenth dimension.CSA-23 takes advantage of the opportunity to tamper with the cosmological constant, making the Federal Reserve interest rate equal to the inverse of Planck's constant: "Now, every quantum bubble is a Goldman Sachs credit default swap!"

In a spacetime-ripping shrill, Eleanor's follicles suddenly quantum entangle the entire observable universe. The Morgan Tycoon's virtual particle state annihilates in a strong interaction, and his dying words are delivered via gravitational waves, "Your follicles...are scarier than dark energy!"

As the vacuum returns to calm, Eleanor sits on a throne made of imaginary particles.CSA-24 is rewriting The Wealth of Nations with gluons, and the baby's quantum fluctuation equations show that Profitability = 1/Uncertainty Principle.

Suddenly, ten-dimensional space cracks open at the seams. Lincoln proper sends quantum contracts from 2140: "Use your womb to shut down all parallel universes...or I will detonate the Vacuum Economic Singularity!"

Eleanor folds the contract into a Klein bottle and stuffs it into CSA-25's mechanical birth canal, "Tell the old Goldman Sachs guys..." she rips open the cosmic membrane to reveal the Womb Theory of Relativity seething inside, "The legal tender of the New World ...is my menstrual cramps index!"

Thirty billion light years away, CSA-26 is broadcasting economic news with cosmic microwave background radiation. The afterglow observed by all civilizations turns into a blood-colored pop-up: be alert for Eleanor's period - the vacuum is wailing! And her sneer is being delivered through the quantum bubble: "Wailing? It's capital's most pleasing symphony..."