Chapter 9: Congratulations, You’re a Pirate (Against Your Will!)

Max was still dizzy as hell from his accidental ballerina explosion when he felt himself being lifted into the air.

Zargoth's massive clawed hand patted his back way too hard, knocking what little oxygen he had left out of his lungs.

"NEW GUY! That was the single greatest dance battle I've ever seen!" Zargoth roared.

The pirates erupted into cheers, raising their mugs and shouting his name.

"MAX! MAX! MAX!"

Max weakly raised a hand. "Yay…?"

Zargoth grinned. "By ancient pirate tradition, you're now one of us!"

Max blinked. "...Wait. What?"

The pirates cheered even louder.

Zargoth slapped a skull-shaped badge onto Max's chest.

"CONGRATULATIONS, ROOKIE!" he boomed. "WELCOME TO THE CRIMSON CORSAIRS!"

Max's brain shut down.

Oh no. No no no. This was NOT part of the plan.

---

This Is NOT How Heist Plans Work

Max forced a nervous laugh. "Haha… wow. Pirate. Me. That's… great?"

Zargoth grinned. "HELL YEAH IT IS! Now let's get you properly initiated!"

Max internally screamed.

I have to get out of this. FAST.

"Uh, yeah! Love it! But… before that, I gotta, uh… check something on my ship real quick!"

Zargoth laughed heartily. "HAHA! No problem! Just don't try to run—we vaporize deserters."

Max's stomach flipped. "Haha… right. Not running!"

He slowly backed toward the exit, clutching the stolen data drive in his jacket.

Just a little further…

"OI, NEW GUY!"

Max froze.

A short, four-eyed alien with greasy goggles stomped up to him.

"You're crew now," the alien growled, shoving a toolbox into Max's arms. "That means YOU start doing work."

Max blinked. "Uh… work?"

"That's right, buddy!" Zargoth grinned. "EVERY new recruit starts at the bottom! You're on ship maintenance duty!"

Max's eye twitched.

"…Maintenance?"

"Yep!"

Max internally screamed again.

---

Escape Plan #47 (Because All the Others Have Failed)

New plan.

Play along.

Find a way back to the ship.

GET THE HELL OUT.

Max forced a grin. "Right! Uh, where's the maintenance area?"

The short alien snorted. "Deck 3, engine room. You'll be fixing coolant pipes."

Max gave a thumbs-up. "Cool. Cool cool cool. Totally know how to do that."

The alien narrowed his eyes. "You better."

Max turned and speed-walked away, toolbox in hand, trying not to burst into a full sprint.

---

Into the Engine Room (Which Is Falling Apart, Of Course)

Max entered Deck 3, which looked about as stable as his life choices.

The walls rattled every few seconds. Steam hissed from various broken pipes. A single flickering light barely kept the room visible.

This place is gonna explode. I just KNOW it.

Max looked at the toolbox. "Alright. Time to… pretend I know what I'm doing."

B.O.B. beeped in his earpiece.

"Captain, I detect a 92% chance that you will cause an explosion."

Max sighed. "Why am I not surprised?"

"Because you are self-aware."

Max rolled his eyes and walked toward the nearest broken pipe.

"Okay… fixing coolant pipes… how hard can it be?"

He reached into the toolbox, pulled out a random wrench, and tapped the pipe.

Nothing happened.

"Cool. Totally fixing it."

He tapped it again.

The pipe burst open, blasting freezing vapor into his face.

Max screamed.

---

A Very Sudden Fight

Before Max could fully process his near-death-by-frostbite, he heard loud footsteps behind him.

He turned just in time to see a very pissed-off Krag stomping toward him.

"You!" Krag snarled. "I knew something was off about you!"

Max froze. "Uh… me? Off? Pfft. Nope. Just a normal, totally-not-a-thief pirate."

Krag cracked his knuckles. "Then why is the data drive I was guarding missing?"

Max's heart stopped.

Oh crap.

Krag's glowing yellow eyes narrowed.

"You're a spy, aren't you?"

Max gulped. "Uh… define spy?"

Krag roared and lunged at him.

Max screamed.

---

Another Random Power Because The System Loves Chaos

As Krag's massive fist swung toward his face, the System beeped.

[RANDOM POWER ACTIVATED: SLIPPERY MODE]

Max's entire body became unnaturally slippery.

Krag's fist connected—but instead of sending Max flying, his hand slid right off Max's face like he was made of soap.

Krag stumbled forward, confused.

Max blinked. "Uh. What just—"

Krag tried to grab him again. His hands slid off.

Krag growled. "STOP MOVING!"

Max wasn't even moving. He was just… too slippery to grab.

"This is the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me," Max muttered.

B.O.B. beeped. "Incorrect. You once detonated a missile with a banana."

"…Fair point."

---

The Most Embarrassing Escape Ever

Krag kept lunging—and kept slipping.

"STOP SLIDING, YOU COWARD!"

"I CAN'T CONTROL IT!"

Max accidentally backflipped across the room like a human bar of soap.

Krag snarled and pulled out a blaster. "Fine. I'll just SHOOT you!"

Max panicked.

"WAIT, WAIT, WAIT—"

Krag fired.

The laser blast hit Max's chest—and bounced off.

Both of them stared.

Max looked down. "…Did I just deflect a laser?"

B.O.B. beeped. "Your entire body is currently frictionless. That includes energy projectiles."

Krag fired again.

The shot bounced off Max's forehead and hit the ceiling.

A massive metal pipe broke loose and crashed onto Krag's head.

Krag collapsed instantly.

Max stared.

Then he slowly exhaled.

"Okay. That was the dumbest fight of my life."

[CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE UNLOCKED: "THE SLIPPERY MENACE" TITLE!]

Max groaned. "Please stop giving me terrible titles."

---

Escape Time (For Real This Time)

Max sprinted out of the engine room (well, slid out), data drive securely in his jacket.

The ship's alarms started blaring.

"INTRUDER ALERT! LOCK DOWN THE SHIP!"

Max sprinted faster.

"BOB! PREPARE FOR EMERGENCY TAKEOFF!"

"Already done, Captain."

Max dove onto the SS Quantum Disaster's ramp just as pirates started shooting at him.

The engines roared to life.

The ship blasted away from the pirate hideout.

Max slumped into his seat, exhaling.

B.O.B. beeped. "Congratulations, Captain. You are now officially wanted by both the Galactic Federation AND space pirates."

Max groaned. "I hate this universe."