Chapter 17: The Art of Tactical Loafing
Ren stretched his arms out behind his head, perfectly content with his current position: horizontal.
"Alright, Aria, Garth," he said, voice muffled by the grass again. "We're robbing some bandits today. But not, like, the normal way. That sounds exhausting."
Aria pinched the bridge of her nose. "Ren, how do you rob someone without doing anything?"
Ren smirked without moving. "Simple. We make them rob themselves."
Both of his teammates stared at him like he'd grown a second head.
"You're joking," Garth said flatly.
"I'm always joking," Ren replied. "But I'm also always right. Let's make this happen."
The system chimed again, fully committed to Ren's nonsense.
---
[New Sub-Mission: "Bandit Self-Checkout"]
[Objective: Trick the bandits into giving you their loot willingly.]
[Reward: ???]
[Bonus Reward: Get them to say 'Thank you' while handing it over.]
---
Ren's grin widened so much it looked physically painful.
"Alright, first thing's first," Ren said, still not moving from the ground. "We need disguises."
Aria blinked. "Disguises? We're in the middle of a forest. Where are you getting disguises?"
Ren tilted his head toward Garth. "You found that cave full of bears, right?"
Garth paled. "No."
Ren nodded sagely. "Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"Ren, I'm not fighting a bear for a disguise."
Ren gave him an encouraging thumbs-up. "I believe in you."
The system chimed because, of course, it did.
---
[New Passive Skill Acquired: Bear Necessities]
[Effect: Increases Garth's chance of surviving bear-related encounters by 15%.]
[Bonus Effect: Bears are now 20% more confused by his presence.]
---
"I hate you so much," Garth muttered as he stomped back toward the cave.
"Love you too, buddy!" Ren called after him.
Aria watched him go, then turned to Ren. "So, what are we doing while he's getting mauled?"
"Supervising," Ren said proudly.
Her eye twitched. Again.
---
Plan Phase One: Bear With Me
Roughly twenty minutes later, Garth returned. His clothes were torn, his face was scratched, and his hair was a mess. But he was holding two large, confused-looking bear pelts.
Ren nodded approvingly. "Knew you had it in you."
"I hate you," Garth repeated, dropping the pelts on the ground.
The system chimed again.
---
[Bonus Objective Complete: Acquire Bear-Based Disguises]
[Reward: +10% Bluff Success Chance Against Low-Intelligence Enemies]
---
"Alright, team," Ren said, finally sitting up for the first time all morning. "Let's get suited up."
---
Plan Phase Two: Bear Minimum Effort
After a brief struggle mostly Garth's they stood at the edge of the bandit camp. Aria and Garth wore the poorly-stitched-together bear pelts. Ren, naturally, opted to wear his upside-down so the head dangled over his own like a hood.
Aria stared at him, deadpan. "You look like a possessed rug."
"Thank you," Ren said, voice dripping with pride.
The camp below was bustling with activity. Bandits counted loot, cooked over fires, and argued loudly about who stole whose socks.
Ren cleared his throat. "Alright. Showtime."
"What's the plan?" Garth asked, his voice muffled through his bear pelt.
Ren raised a finger. "Watch and learn."
He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted:
"RAAAAAAAWR!"
The camp froze. Every single bandit turned to look in their direction.
Aria stared at him. "…That's it? That's your plan?"
Ren shrugged. "It's working."
The bandits were murmuring among themselves. One of them, a particularly scruffy man with an eyepatch, stepped forward.
"The hell is that supposed to be?" Eyepatch squinted up at them.
Ren didn't miss a beat. "BEAR GODS," he bellowed. "WE DEMAND TRIBUTE!"
Aria's mouth dropped open in disbelief. Garth looked like he wanted to die again.
The bandits looked at each other, confused.
"What…what kind of tribute?" Eyepatch called back.
Ren leaned over to Aria and whispered, "They're buying it."
"I cannot believe this is working," she whispered back.
"Believe it," Ren said smugly. He cleared his throat again.
"We require… gold! Food! Weapons! And" He paused for dramatic effect. "…socks."
The camp erupted into panicked movement as the bandits scrambled to gather everything.
"DON'T ANGER THE BEAR GODS!" one bandit screamed.
"GET THE GOOD SOCKS!" another cried.
Aria stared at Ren, wide-eyed. "What the hell are you?"
Ren grinned. "Efficient."
---
[Optional Mission Progress: "Rise of the Idle Tyrant Part 3" 75% Complete]
[Bonus Objective: Make them say 'Thank you' (Incomplete)]
---
The bandits piled up a mountain of loot and took a collective step back.
Eyepatch stepped forward, hesitating. "U-Um… Bear Gods? Is…is this enough?"
Ren stroked his chin, pretending to think. "Hmm… Yes. But only if you say the magic words."
Eyepatch blinked. "Magic words?"
Ren nodded sagely. "You know the ones."
The bandit swallowed hard and nodded. "Uh… Th-Thank you, Bear Gods!"
The system chimed so loudly Ren thought it might explode.
---
[Optional Mission: "Rise of the Idle Tyrant Part 3" Complete!]
[Reward: "Bandit King's Fancy Hat" (Equip for +10 Charisma, -5 Dignity)]
[Bonus Reward: "Bandit Self-Checkout" Title Unlocked!]
[Effect: Low-intelligence enemies may attempt to pay you instead of fighting.]
---
Ren walked down to the pile, humming happily to himself, and plopped the ridiculous, feathered hat onto his head.
He turned back to his stunned teammates. "Alright, team. Who's hungry?"
Aria stared at him, her voice quiet but filled with unholy levels of disbelief.
"I… I think I might actually love you."
Ren winked. "Feelings are hard."
---