Chapter 18: The Lazy Emperor Rises
Ren lounged atop the mountain of stolen loot, the "Bandit King's Fancy Hat" sitting crookedly on his head. He looked like a king a very lazy, very ridiculous king.
"So," he drawled, picking a shiny coin out of the pile and flicking it into the air, "what did we learn today?"
"That you're a menace to society," Garth grumbled, still adjusting his bear pelt.
"Incorrect," Ren said, voice full of faux disappointment. "We learned that hard work is for chumps."
The system chimed, sounding suspiciously annoyed.
---
[Passive Ability Activated: Rewarded for Inaction]
[Effect: The longer you ignore system missions, the greater the rewards upon eventual completion.]
[Bonus Effect: The system may become passive-aggressively sarcastic.]
---
Garth groaned. "I swear to the gods, I'm going to lose my mind if this keeps up."
"You can't lose what you never had, buddy." Ren patted the pile of gold like it was a beloved pet.
Aria crossed her arms. "So, what's next, 'Bear God'? Are you gonna laze your way into a throne room next?"
Ren blinked. Then he grinned. "Y'know what? That's a great idea."
Her eyes widened. "Ren, I was being sarcastic."
Ren sat up, which immediately concerned both of his teammates. He only ever moved when something absurd was about to happen.
"No, no, hear me out," Ren said, adjusting his ridiculous hat. "We've got loot, we've got momentum, and"
He pointed dramatically to Garth, "we've got a man who's really good at surviving bear attacks."
Garth groaned. "Please stop bringing that up."
Ren ignored him. "Next stop: conquering a kingdom. And the best part?"
He leaned back again, hands behind his head. "We won't even lift a finger."
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[New Mission: "Crown Me, Maybe"]
[Objective: Become the ruler of a kingdom.]
[Time Limit: None]
[Reward: "Royal Pain in the Ass" Title]
[Bonus Reward: A Throne (Comfier Than It Looks)]
[Reminder: Ignoring this mission increases rewards. Please, for the love of everything holy, just do it already.]
---
Aria stared at the glowing blue text. "I think your system hates the world."
Ren grinned. "It's mutual."
The three of them strolled well, Aria and Garth strolled while Ren rode on top of the loot cart they stole toward the nearest kingdom's gates.
Ren was sprawled like royalty, occasionally tossing coins into the air and catching them with his mouth.
"How are you gonna pull this off?" Aria asked skeptically.
"Simple," Ren said through a mouthful of gold. "We're gonna convince them that fighting us is more trouble than it's worth."
Garth groaned. "Please tell me you have an actual plan this time."
Ren tilted his head. "Do I look like a man with a plan?"
The system chimed again, voice practically dripping with sarcasm.
---
[Passive Ability Activated: Rewarded for Inaction]
[Effect: Morale loss for nearby enemies increases the longer you procrastinate.]
[Bonus Effect: Guards are now 15% more likely to quit their jobs.]
---
The guards' laughter died awkwardly as one of them squinted. "Wait… maybe he is important?"
The other guard frowned. "Yeah, the hat's too stupid to be fake."
Ren grinned. "That's the spirit."
They were ushered into the throne room, where a rather unimpressed king glared down at them from his golden seat.
"You," the king said, eyes narrowing at Ren's ridiculous hat, "who are you supposed to be?"
Ren yawned dramatically. "I am Ren the Relaxed, Emperor of Everything Eventually."
The room went dead silent. Aria facepalmed.
The king snorted. "You're joking."
Ren shrugged. "I get that a lot."
The system chimed again, sounding like it was holding back laughter.
---
[New Passive Skill Acquired: Lazy Charisma]
[Effect: The more ridiculous you look, the more people assume you're powerful.]
[Bonus Effect: Nobles suffer 20% more mental confusion.]
---
The king squinted harder, then leaned over to his advisor. "He's either a madman or a genius."
The advisor stared at Ren, horrified. "Your Majesty… I think he's both."
Ren smirked. "Why not both?"
The king groaned. "What do you want, 'Emperor'?"
Ren didn't miss a beat. "Your kingdom. Please and thank you."
The room erupted into laughter. Ren leaned back, casually examining his nails.
The system chimed again, this time sounding almost gleeful.
---
[Hidden Requirement Met: "Ruler of Ridiculousness"]
[Effect: The longer you avoid making a demand, the more likely people are to assume it's serious.]
[Bonus Effect: +10% chance for enemies to surrender out of sheer confusion.]
---
The laughter died awkwardly as the guards started shifting uncomfortably.
"What if… he's serious?" one whispered.
"He's wearing the hat," another murmured. "No one would wear a hat that stupid unless they were too powerful to care."
Ren exhaled lazily, watching the panic spread. "Listen, Your Majesty. You could fight us but let's be honest, that sounds exhausting for both of us. Or…"
He stretched, deliberately slow. "You could just give me the kingdom and call it a day."
The king stared at him, then at his advisor.
"...You know what?" the king muttered, standing up. "Screw it. I'm tired. It's your problem now."
He ripped off his crown, threw it at Ren, and walked out of the throne room.
The system exploded with excitement.
---
[Mission Complete: "Crown Me, Maybe"]
[Reward: "Royal Pain in the Ass" Title Unlocked!]
[Bonus Reward: Comfiest Throne Ever (Regenerates 10 HP per minute if napping)]
[Additional Bonus for Extreme Procrastination: Kingdom Treasury Funds Tripled]
---
Ren caught the crown mid-air, flipped it onto his head over the ridiculous feathered hat, and grinned at his stunned teammates.
"Well, that was easy," he said cheerfully.
Aria's eye twitched. "I…I think I hate you."
Ren gave her finger guns. "Love you too."
Garth buried his head in his hands. "This is my life now."
Ren lazily sprawled onto his new throne, letting out an exaggerated sigh of comfort. "Ahh… long live me."
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