Chapter 19: Long Live the King (Who Does Nothing)
Ren lounged on his newly acquired throne, the comically oversized crown tilted precariously on top of his already ridiculous feathered hat. He wiggled his butt against the plush velvet seat, sighing contentedly.
"Yup," he declared. "Definitely worth the effort I didn't put in."
Aria stared at him, somewhere between impressed and deeply offended by reality itself. "You conquered a kingdom by accident, Ren."
"Accident's a strong word," Ren mused, waving a hand lazily. "I prefer 'strategic nonchalance.'"
Garth peeked out from between his fingers. "Please tell me there's a plan for ruling this place. You can't just... wing it."
Ren blinked at him. "Why not? It worked so far."
The system chimed in again, voice practically vibrating with smug satisfaction.
---
[New Passive Ability Unlocked: Benevolent Negligence]
[Effect: The less you directly manage your kingdom, the more efficiently it runs.]
[Bonus Effect: Citizens gain +10% happiness because 'at least you're not making it worse.']
---
Aria groaned. "This system is enabling you."
Ren stretched, smirking. "It's not enabling me. It's rewarding my natural talents."
"You mean laziness," Garth corrected.
"Same thing."
Suddenly, the massive throne room doors burst open, and a heavily armored knight stomped in. He was built like a siege tower, muscles practically bursting from his plate mail. His helmet had a giant, gleaming plume, and he carried a warhammer the size of Garth.
"I am General Roderick of the Crimson Blades!" the knight bellowed. "I have come to challenge your rule!"
Ren blinked at him slowly. "...Cool. Can you come back later? I'm kinda busy being comfortable."
Roderick faltered. "W-What?"
Ren leaned his head on one hand, gesturing lazily with the other. "Look, I get it. Big scary knight, honor, whatever. But honestly? Fighting sounds exhausting. Maybe tomorrow."
The general stared in stunned silence. Ren yawned dramatically, leaning further into his throne.
The system chimed again, sounding downright giddy.
---
[Passive Ability Activated: Rewarded for Inaction]
[Effect: The longer you ignore a duel, the more demoralized your opponent becomes.]
[Bonus Effect: Challengers are now 25% more likely to give up out of sheer confusion.]
---
Roderick's eye twitched. He looked at his warhammer, then at Ren, then back at his warhammer.
"…You know what? Screw this." He dropped the hammer with a loud clang. "I'm retiring. I didn't sign up to fight whatever this is."
The knight turned and stormed out, muttering, "I'm gonna start that bakery like I always wanted."
Ren waved after him. "Good luck with the sourdough!"
Aria gawked. "You just won a duel without moving."
"That's how kings do it, babe," Ren replied, tossing a coin into the air and catching it with his teeth.
The system chimed again this time with a triumphant fanfare.
---
[Hidden Achievement Unlocked: "Why Are You Like This?"]
[Effect: Gain a legendary beast companion who embodies your 'unique' style.]
[Bonus Effect: Beast requires no feeding, training, or maintenance. It figures itself out.]
[New Companion Acquired: Abyssal Nap Dragon Snoozeladon!]
[Status: Currently sleeping. Will wake up when it feels like it.]
---
A blinding flash of light exploded in the throne room, and a massive, serpentine dragon materialized. Its scales shimmered like liquid starlight, but its expression was... decidedly less majestic.
Snoozeladon yawned with a sound like a collapsing mountain, then promptly flopped down in the middle of the throne room floor, causing the entire palace to shake.
It curled into a ball, snoring loudly.
"...What the hell is that?" Garth asked, voice trembling.
"My new pet," Ren said proudly, looking at the enormous, slumbering beast.
Aria gawked at the dragon. "It's..it's massive! It's terrifying!"
"It's asleep," Garth pointed out.
Ren grinned. "And that's why we get along."
The system pinged, clearly on a roll now.
---
[New Passive Ability Acquired: "Sleep Like a Dragon"]
[Effect: When you nap within 10 meters of Snoozeladon, you recover 100% health, mana, and dignity (if applicable).]
[Bonus Effect: Anyone who disturbs your nap suffers existential dread.]
---
Ren whistled. "Best. Pet. Ever."
Suddenly, an advisor peeked nervously from behind a pillar. "Your Majesty, the neighboring kingdom's army is marching on us!"
Ren groaned. "Ugh, already? Didn't they hear I'm busy relaxing?"
"They're… they're led by a legendary hero! Sir Alastair the Undefeated!"
Ren yawned. "Bet he hasn't tried doing nothing. Works wonders for me."
The system dinged almost like it was laughing.
---
[Emergency Quest: "The Pillow War"]
[Objective: Defend your kingdom without leaving the throne.]
[Reward: "Pillow Fortress of Unstoppable Naps" (legendary defensive structure)]
[Bonus Reward for Maximum Laziness: ???]
---
Ren leaned back, putting his hands behind his head. "Wake me when it's over."
Snoozeladon cracked open one eye, yawned again, and lazily flicked its tail. A shockwave blasted out from the dragon, flattening the approaching army without it even lifting its head.
The advisor's jaw dropped. "Th-the entire enemy army is unconscious!"
Ren grinned. "Same, man. Same."
---
[Quest Complete: "The Pillow War"]
[Reward Unlocked: "Pillow Fortress of Unstoppable Naps" (Summons an indestructible, cloud-soft fortress whenever you're sleepy)]
[Bonus Reward Unlocked: "Ultimate Slacker's Crown" (Makes you look even more powerful the less you do)]
---
Ren adjusted his ridiculous feathered hat, now topped with an even more ridiculous, gem-encrusted crown.
"Long live me," he muttered, already drifting off to sleep.
Garth groaned. "This is my life now."
Aria sighed. "Yup. Long live the king… I guess."
Snoozeladon snored louder.
---