Chapter 20: The King’s Guide to Doing Absolutely Nothing (And Winning Anyway)
Ren woke up in his new "Pillow Fortress of Unstoppable Naps," which, true to its name, looked less like a fortress and more like an oversized luxury cloud. Plush walls, marshmallow-like furniture, and a canopy of soft, glowing starlight hovered above him.
It smelled faintly of lavender and smugness.
He yawned, stretched, and promptly fell back into the mountain of cushions.
Garth poked his head through the doorway. "Ren. It's noon."
Ren buried his face deeper into the pillows. "It's noon somewhere every second, buddy."
Aria stormed in after him. "Your kingdom's falling apart!"
Ren peeked out. "What part?"
"The economy, the military, the... agriculture? I don't know, everything!"
Ren blinked at her slowly. "Sounds like a 'them' problem."
The system chimed in, smug as ever.
---
[Passive Ability Activated: Rewarded for Inaction]
[Effect: The longer you ignore a crisis, the more likely it solves itself.]
[Bonus Effect: Bureaucrats gain +50% productivity trying to impress you.]
---
Garth stared at the glowing text. "This is not how reality works."
Ren smiled lazily. "It is now."
A frazzled advisor burst in, holding a stack of papers. "Your Majesty! The peasants are revolting!"
Ren yawned. "Aren't they always?"
"No I mean they're starting an uprising!"
Ren stretched dramatically. "Okay, but like… what do they actually want?"
The advisor frantically shuffled his papers. "Uh… food, money, less taxes the usual."
Ren tilted his head thoughtfully. "Alright. Give them all of that. Problem solved."
The advisor blinked. "Wh-what? Seriously?"
Ren nodded. "Sure. Why not? Let's be generous." He yawned. "I'm feeling charitable today."
The system chimed in, sounding half-exasperated, half-impressed.
---
[New Title Unlocked: "Accidental Saint"]
[Effect: Even your laziest decisions are considered wise and benevolent by the masses.]
[Bonus Effect: +50% loyalty from citizens who think you're some kind of enlightened genius.]
---
Aria looked like she wanted to throw something. "Ren, you can't just"
The throne room doors burst open (again).
A royal messenger staggered in, looking like he ran the whole way. "Your Majesty! The neighboring kingdoms have formed an alliance to dethrone you!"
Ren blinked slowly. "Why though?"
The messenger coughed. "They say you're a lazy tyrant, unfit to rule."
Ren frowned. "That's rude. I'm barely a tyrant."
The system chimed, now sounding way too pleased with itself.
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[New Passive Ability Acquired: "Procrastination Diplomacy"]
[Effect: The longer you delay responding to political threats, the more likely your enemies start fighting each other instead.]
[Bonus Effect: Kings and generals suffer -20% morale when trying to strategize against you.]
---
Ren grinned. "So if I wait long enough, they'll get bored and leave?"
The system responded immediately.
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[Correct.]
---
Ren settled deeper into his pillows. "Perfect."
Aria threw her hands in the air. "You are the worst ruler I've ever seen!"
Ren smirked. "And yet, here we are."
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The Siege (That Wasn't)
Three days later, Ren was still lounging in his pillow fortress, playing coin-flip tricks with his crown.
Outside, the allied kingdoms finally arrived a massive army stretching across the horizon. Flags flew, horns blared, and a hundred thousand soldiers assembled.
General Alaric, the "Lion of the West," rode to the front. "REN! Face me, coward!"
Ren yawned. "Nah."
Alaric blinked. "…Excuse me?"
Ren shifted, pulling a blanket over himself. "Busy."
Alaric stared in disbelief. "Busy doing what?"
Ren snuggled deeper. "Nothing. It's a full-time job."
The system chimed again.
---
[Passive Ability Activated: Rewarded for Inaction]
[Effect: The longer you avoid a battle, the higher the chance the enemy loses morale.]
[Bonus Effect: 40% chance enemy leadership assumes you're plotting something.]
---
Alaric paled. He turned to his lieutenant. "He's too calm. He's planning something."
The lieutenant gulped. "We… we should wait and observe. See what he does."
They waited.
And waited.
Ren took a nap.
The system dinged happily.
---
[New Passive Ability Unlocked: "Lethal Laziness"]
[Effect: Enemy troops suffer 1% damage per minute they wait for you to take action.]
[Bonus Effect: If they retreat, they drop their loot in confusion.]
---
By sunset, the army was exhausted, sunburned, starving, and paranoid. Rumors spread.
"He's waiting for nightfall to launch an ambush!"
"No, no he's calling a dragon army!"
"I heard he's got a god on his side!"
Alaric paled. "I… I think we should retreat."
His lieutenant nodded. "Yeah. Smart move."
The entire army fled, leaving their supplies behind.
Ren woke up, stretched, and looked out the window.
"Huh. They left. Neat."
---
[Quest Complete: "Win a War By Napping"]
[Reward: Kingdom doubled in size!]
[Bonus Reward: Legendary Item - "Slacker's Scepter" (Increases rewards for doing nothing by 50%)]
---
Aria stared at him, eyes twitching. "You… conquered two kingdoms… by sleeping."
Ren grinned, holding up his new, shiny scepter. "Might nap my way to an empire next."
Garth groaned. "This is my life now."
Ren leaned back in his pillow fortress, smirking. "Long live me."
Snoozeladon snored louder.
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