Chapter 21: The Art of Doing Absolutely Nothing (and Winning Anyway)
Ren woke up to the soft, rhythmic sound of Snoozeladon's snoring a sound that, at this point, felt like a soothing background track to his entire life. The Pillow Fortress of Unstoppable Naps was fluffier than ever, and Ren could swear the cushions had somehow become even more luxurious overnight.
He suspected the system had upgraded his pillows while he was asleep. Again.
Aria stormed in, as usual, looking dangerously close to losing whatever patience she had left. Garth followed behind her, looking resigned to his fate.
"Ren!" Aria shouted, voice already on the edge of a breakdown. "You overslept again!"
Ren blinked slowly. "It's not 'oversleeping.' It's 'strategic energy conservation.'"
Aria's eye twitched. "It's 4 PM."
Ren yawned. "Still morning in some time zones. Probably."
Before Aria could explode, the system chimed in smug as ever.
---
[Passive Ability Activated: Rewarded for Inaction]
[Effect: The longer you remain in bed, the more your kingdom flourishes.]
[Bonus Effect: +200% trade prosperity. Neighboring kings now believe you're a master tactician and beg to open trade routes.]
---
Garth stared at the glowing text. "...I'm starting to think this is less a 'system' and more a cosmic prank."
Ren shrugged, sinking deeper into his pillows. "If the universe wants to reward me for naps, who am I to argue?"
Aria groaned. "You're impossible. Anyway, the royal treasury is overflowing, the farmers reported a record-breaking harvest, and the local blacksmiths invented some kind of indestructible alloy out of melted horseshoes and sheer confusion."
"Nice." Ren gave her a thumbs up without looking. "See? Everything works better when I'm uninvolved."
The throne room doors crashed open again and another messenger staggered in, panting heavily.
"Your Majesty! It's urgent!"
Ren blinked at him. "What is it this time? Another rebellion? Plague? Meteor? Giant ducks?"
The messenger shook his head wildly. "Worse! A Dragon Horde approaches from the East ten thousand strong!"
Ren yawned. "Huh. That's a lot of dragons." He pulled the blanket over his head. "Let me know how that works out."
---
[Passive Ability Activated: Procrastination Diplomacy]
[Effect: The longer you ignore an invading force, the more likely they get distracted.]
[Bonus Effect: Dragons now believe you're a 'Dragon Emperor in Disguise.']
---
The messenger froze. "...What?"
Garth leaned closer to read the glowing text. "Wait, hold on. The dragons think he's one of them now?"
Aria looked like she wanted to throw a chair through a window. "This isn't fair. This isn't even reality."
Ren peeked out from under his blanket. "Reality's overrated."
Moments later, a deafening roar shook the sky. The room vibrated as a massive, scaled shadow darkened the sun. Through the window, they could see an enormous ancient dragon easily the size of a castle descending onto the courtyard.
The dragon's head crashed through the window, taking out half the wall. Its golden eyes locked onto Ren.
The entire room went dead silent.
"...Yo," Ren said, waving lazily.
The dragon stared at him for a long, tense moment then slowly bowed its massive head.
"O Great Slumbering One," the dragon rumbled, voice shaking the room. "Forgive us. We did not realize we stood before a fellow Elder Wyrm of the Eternal Naps."
Ren blinked. "Uh... yeah. Obviously."
---
[New Title Unlocked: 'The Slumbering Wyrm King']
[Effect: Dragons now believe you're their ancient ancestor reincarnated. They will defend you with their lives.]
[Bonus Effect: Gain a personal dragon chauffeur.]
---
A smaller, sleeker dragon stepped forward, bowing. "I am Emberfang, your loyal servant. I shall be your wings and flame, Great One."
Ren stared for a second. "...Do you do food delivery?"
Emberfang nodded solemnly. "Yes, my King."
Ren gave him a thumbs up. "Sweet."
Aria looked dangerously close to bursting a blood vessel. "This is ridiculous. You just gained a dragon army without even standing up."
Ren shrugged. "Standing is overrated, too."
---
The Tournament (That Ren Didn't Attend)
Later that week, Aria barged in again, glaring daggers. "Ren! The annual Grand Tournament is today. Every kingdom sends their strongest warriors to compete. If you don't show up, they'll think you're weak!"
Ren shifted under his blankets. "Sounds exhausting. Pass."
"But you're the reigning champion!"
"Cool." Ren yawned. "I retire undefeated."
---
[New Passive Ability Acquired: Champion in Absentia]
[Effect: The longer you avoid a competition, the more your legend grows.]
[Bonus Effect: All challengers suffer -50% confidence due to your 'mysterious, untouchable strength.']
---
Down at the arena, the crowd waited eagerly. The announcer called Ren's name.
He didn't show up.
The other fighters began murmuring nervously.
"Why isn't he here?"
"He must be planning something."
"What if he's watching us from the shadows? Studying our moves?"
By the time the finals rolled around, the last two champions were so paranoid, they knocked each other out simultaneously.
The announcer stared awkwardly at the double KO, then cleared his throat.
"...The winner is… Ren. By default."
The crowd exploded into cheers.
---
[Quest Complete: Win the Grand Tournament Without Attending]
[Reward: Legendary Weapon 'The Pillow of Eternal Authority']
[Effect: Increases kingdom loyalty by 100% when held. Also, extremely comfy.]
---
Ren woke up just in time for dinner, holding his new, fluffy, glowing pillow.
Aria stared at him in stunned silence.
Ren smirked. "Empire's looking good, huh?"
Garth groaned. "This is my life now."
Ren leaned back into his Pillow Fortress, holding his new scepter and pillow like royal treasures.
"Long live me."
Snoozeladon snored louder.
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