Chapter 5: Patch Notes From Hell

Jayden Malone woke up to the sound of a hundred error notifications screaming in his skull.

**[EMERGENCY MAINTENANCE IN PROGRESS]**

**[PLEASE STAND BY FOR MANDATORY UPDATES]**

"Ugh," he groaned, swatting at the blinking pop-ups like they were particularly aggressive mosquitoes. "Five more minutes, Satan."

The messages multiplied.

**[CRITICAL PATCH REQUIRED]**

**[ANOMALY-CLASS USER "JAYDEN MALONE" IS BREAKING REALITY]**

Jayden rolled out of bed—directly onto a half-eaten bag of Cheetos he'd left on the floor last night. The orange dust stuck to his face like war paint.

"Perfect," he muttered, licking cheese powder off his fingers. "Let's see what fresh hell this is."

The first "fix" arrived with all the grace of a drunk intern.

**[TUTORIAL MODULE ENGAGED]**

A chipper voice echoed in his head. *"Hello, valued user! Let's learn how to—"*

Jayden grabbed the glowing tutorial prompt mid-air and **threw it at a squirrel** outside his window.

**[Freakish Act Detected: UI Weaponization]**

**[Squirrel is now proficient in Microsoft Excel]**

The second attempt came as a job offer.

**[CLASS REASSIGNMENT AVAILABLE]**

**[SELECT: WARRIOR / MAGE / ROGUE]**

Jayden stared at the options. "Hmm." He reached out—and dragged all three into the trash icon that appeared when he squinted.

**[CLASS ASSIGNED: FREAKIER FREAK]**

**[Perk Unlocked: "No, Seriously, What Is Wrong With You?"]**

The System glitched so hard his left ear started playing Yakety Sax.

The air split open with the sound of a thousand printers jammed at once. From the tear in reality emerged **The Administrator**—a floating clipboard with too many eyes, its form constantly shifting between "corporate middle manager" and "eldritch horror."

**[USER JAYDEN MALONE]** it boomed, voice like a disappointed god. **[YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF SYSTEM STABILITY PROTOCOLS]**

Jayden scratched his Cheeto-dusted neck. "Cool. Wanna coffee?"

The Admin's form flickered. **[SIGN THIS WAIVER ACKNOWLEDGING YOUR NERFS]**

A 300-page document materialized. Jayden flipped to the last page and drew:

- A stick figure riding a dragon

- The word "BORING" in bubble letters

- A surprisingly detailed phallus

**[Freakish Act Detected: Legal Vandalism]**

**[Admin Sanity -10%]**

The clipboard trembled. **[WHY DO YOU RESIST BALANCE?]**

Jayden grinned. "Why do you keep trying?"

**[PERMANENT BUFF ACQUIRED: ADMIN'S MIGRAINE]**

**[Effect: System notifications now appear in Comic Sans]**

As the Admin vanished with a sound like a deflating whoopee cushion, Jayden's phone buzzed. His new cult's group chat was blowing up:

**@PraiseTheFreak:** *Our lord! The downtown dungeon is serving tacos!*

**@KetchupDisciple:** *Sacred condiments await your blessing*

Jayden sighed and reached for his sneakers. Another day, another apocalypse.