HER POV XI

"Smile, even when it hurts."

PAULIT-ULIT na nagpa-play sa aking utak matapos kong marinig ang linya.

Without my notice, my lips curved into a smile.

"Even when it hurts pala ah, or baka naman dahil nakaharap tayo ngayon sa isang ice cream store kaya ka ngiting-ngiti?"

My brows creased matapos kong marinig ang tukso sa akin ni Dakarai.

Kalalabas lang namin mula sa regional trial court para sa pre-trial conference sa kaso ni Dakarai.

Ang hirap lang kasi it seems like fate favors the other way.

Ang dami kasing witness sa kabila, samantalang kami, no comment.

Tagisan na lang talaga ng utak at anghang ng dila ang laban namin.

Anyway, hindi ko alam pero at some point, masaya ako sa nangyari sa kaniya kasi kung walang nangyari sa kaniya, siguro nasa lansangan na ako ngayon, nagmumuni-muni sa buhay.

Sabi nga nila, ang problema mo ay ang kasagutan sa problema ng iba.

We earn from each other's problems.

Blessing in disguise.

"Here."

A cone with my fave choco ice cream popped in front of my sight.

My smile widened. "Salamat."

He smirked. "Kung walang ice cream, hindi mo ako papansinin."

Luh, problema neto?

"Kanina pa kaya ako nagsasalita rito pero wala kang imik habang nakatitig sa ice cream store at nakangiti. Anong nangyari sa'yo, Attorney?"

I sighed. "Hindi ko rin alam."

Tumungo ako sa bench sa tapat at umupo.

Sumunod din naman si Dakarai sa akin.

I stared around the bustling street— different horns, struggling people, loud noises coming from different vehicles mixed with people's voices: crying babies, shouts from kids playing, yells from vendors selling their products, and loud voices from customers.

Yet why do I see silence?

Why does it seem to me that despite the explosion of noises, still, no one really hears it?

The same goes in life.

It doesn't matter how loud our voices are in delivering our concerns; it doesn't matter how transparently genuine we are in our doing— no one really gives a damn.

We are all busy dealing with our own shit every day.

In this kind of world where everyone is individually struggling with their own shit, where should the good people who crave genuine connections place themselves?

I smiled bitterly.

"Huy, ayos ka lang?" Nag-aalalang tanong sa akin ni Dakarai.

"Oo naman."

I assured him na okay lang talaga ako, pero okay nga lang ba talaga ako?

Inayos ko ang aking pagkaka-upo.

"Napansin ko na simula noong galing tayo sa office, nag-iba ang timpla mo. Iniisip mo ba ang sinabi nila sa'yo kanina or 'yong mga mapanghusga nilang titig sa'yo?"

I heaved a sigh.

"Alam mo, Dakarai, may mga gabing nagtatanong ako sa kawalan kung bakit ako pinili mong maging iyong defense attorney. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin maintindihan kung bakit ako?"

He stared at me.

"Bakit nga ba ako, Dakarai?"

I stared back.

"Nakita mo naman kung paano ako nalugmok, hindi ba? Mula sa taas— mula sa kasikatan hanggang sa kinalimutan. Narinig at nakita mo naman ang lahat patungkol sa akin, hindi ba?"

"Kasi naniniwala pa rin ako sa'yo, Lanx."

I was completely stunned.

"Yeah, I heard everything about what happened to you in these past few years. Sometimes, I can't help but feel rage about the media kung bakit kailangan pa nilang ibalita sa buong bansa ang naging kahinatnan sa buhay mo." He paused.

I shed tears.

"I can't understand why they humiliate and shame you in public as if they were with you from the beginning of your dreams— like as if they've known you from the start."

Hindi ako makapagsalita.

Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat na sabihin.

"I've known you, Lanx. Nakita ko ang una mong paglaban sa karapatan ng iba— una ko nang nakita noon pa ang determinasyon mong ipaglaban ang karapatan ng iba. Remember when you first defended me in grade school?"

My brows crossed as I tried to understand the essence of his speech.

Fudge, ba't hindi ko maalala?

Ang naalala ko lamang ay 'yong kung paano niya ako na-defend sa Principal namin pero I ended up getting angry at him kasi pakialamero siya.

Ba't parang walang sense ang mga pinagsasasabi niya ngayon sa akin?

"You probably don't remember that anymore, pero remember that I believe in you, and I always will. So smile, Attorney."

Smile, even when you are hurting.

Smile, even when it hurts.

Kaya siguro paulit-ulit na nagpa-play ang linya na iyan sa utak ko ay dahil sa hindi masyadong nagre-resonate sa akin ang idea na iyan.

You can fake almost everything— let alone your smile.

Perhaps, rather than smile even when it hurts, I think it would be much better to...

"Be grateful and keep going even when it hurts."

Yet the words feel strange. Empty.

I glanced at Dakarai, his gaze piercing as if trying to unravel my inner turmoil. Nakakainis. How does he always see past my defenses?

"Bakit ba ganun?" I blurted out. "Ang tagal ko nang pinipilit na ngumiti. Na maging okay. Na mag-move on. Pero parang may kulang. Parang may mali."

"Minsan kasi, Lanx, hindi lang tungkol sa pag-ngiti kahit nasasaktan ka. Minsan, kailangan mong tanggapin na nasasaktan ka para tuluyang maka-move on."

"Easy for you to say." I scoffed. "Lahat na lang yata ng tao iniwan ako. They took pleasure in my downfall. And you know what's worse? Ako na lang yata ang natitirang naniniwala na kaya ko pa. Na may saysay pa ang lahat ng ito."

"Hindi totoo 'yan."

"Oh really?"

"Oo. Kasi nandito pa rin ako."

Napahinto ako. The words struck me harder than I wanted to admit.

He's right. All this time, while I was busy wallowing in my failures, he was there. Kahit alam niyang puno ako ng pagkatalo, even when everyone turned their backs on me.

Kahit na ako mismo, nawalan na rin ng tiwala sa sarili ko.

"Why?" I whispered. "Why do you keep believing in me?"

He leaned back against the bench, his eyes glinting with a sincerity so pure it almost felt like a lie.

"Because you've always been worth believing in, Lanx."

Nagkatitigan kami ni Dakarai. His words felt like a revelation. Parang sinaksak ako ng katotohanan, isang bagay na hindi ko naisip o ayaw ko lang talagang paniwalaan.

Because how could anyone still believe in me after everything?

"Dakarai…" Mahina kong sambit habang iniwas ko ang tingin ko. "Hindi mo naman kailangang sabihin 'yan para ma-motivate ako. Alam ko naman ang totoo."

"Lanx, that is the truth."

Napapikit ako. Hindi ko na alam kung ilang beses ko nang sinubukan ang pilitin ang sarili kong bumangon. I lost count of the nights I whispered to myself that I still had a chance— na kaya ko pang bumawi. Pero kahit anong pilit, kahit ilang ulit, parang laging may pumipigil.

My failures keep echoing in my mind, drowning out whatever confidence I try to build.

"No." Umiling ako. "You don't understand. It's like... I've been walking in the dark for so long. Kahit gaano ko pilitin, walang liwanag na dumarating. Lahat na lang mali. Lahat na lang talo. Para akong nilamon ng mga pagkakamali ko at hindi na makawala."

The bitterness of my own words tasted awful. It was the truth. It was my truth.

"Lanx, ang problema kasi sa'yo, you keep measuring your worth by your successes and failures. But your value doesn't just disappear dahil nagkamali ka."

He took a bite from his ice cream, acting as if his words weren't affecting me at all. Pero sa loob-loob ko, parang ang dami niyang nasabi na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

"Hindi ba dapat ganun? This society demands success. Perfection. Kahit nga sa larangan ko, palaging may kompetisyon. If you're not winning, then you're losing. And I've been losing for so long, Dakarai."

Napangisi siya. "Sino ba nagsabing ikaw lang ang natatalo?"

"Wala naman akong pakialam sa ibang tao." I replied with a hint of frustration. "Ang iniisip ko, sarili ko. Kung gaano ako nagkulang. Kung paano ko hinayaang mawala ang lahat."

"Maybe that's the problem."

My brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"You keep seeing yourself as a failure dahil hindi ka na 'yung dati. Yung sikat. Yung tinitingala."

Hindi ko alam kung insulto ba 'yung sinabi niya o totoo lang talaga.

"Pero Lanx, hindi ibig sabihin na dahil wala ka na sa pedestal mo ay wala ka na ring halaga. Why do you have to be on top all the time to feel worthy? Hindi ba pwedeng may halaga ka pa rin kahit sa baba?"

I was speechless. Nakakainis. Ang hirap niyang sagutin.

"Ang sinasabi ko lang, Lanx, sometimes the fall is part of the process. And maybe you needed to fall to realize what really matters. To understand that your worth isn't measured by how successful you are."

"Kung ganun, paano ko malalaman na may halaga pa ako?" My voice trembled.

"By living. By trying. By being true to yourself kahit hindi ka na perfect. By allowing yourself to make mistakes. By finding joy even in the smallest things."

He pointed at my ice cream cone, which was already melting.

"Even something as simple as ice cream."

Napabuntong-hininga ako. "Ang dali mo lang sabihin, Dakarai. Pero alam mo bang parang paulit-ulit na akong nahuhulog? Parang walang katapusan. And every time I try to get up, life just keeps pushing me down."

"That's because you're only trying to get back to who you were. Not who you're supposed to be now."

"What do you mean?"

"Lanx, maybe it's time you stop chasing your old self. Yung Lanxie na sikat, successful, and admired by everyone. Maybe it's time you start discovering the person you've become now."

"I can't just throw away who I was."

"Hindi naman 'yun ang sinasabi ko." He leaned forward, his gaze serious. "What I'm saying is you have to stop living in the past. Hindi ka na 'yung dating Lanxie. You're someone else now. Someone stronger. Someone wiser. Pero hindi mo makikita 'yon hangga't hindi mo inaalis ang sarili mo sa shadow ng dati mong tagumpay."

I bit my lip. His words pierced me, raw and true.

Pero hindi ba unfair? Bakit parang siya pa ang nagbibigay sa akin ng encouragement? Ako ang abogado niya. Ako dapat ang nagbibigay ng lakas ng loob sa kaniya. Pero bakit parang baliktad?

Natawa ako sa sariling irony ng sitwasyon namin.

"Bakit parang ikaw pa ang nagbibigay ng inspirasyon sa'kin? Hindi ba dapat ako 'yung nagre-remind sa'yo na kaya mo 'to? That you're going to win this case?"

He chuckled. "Funny, isn't it? Pero ganun talaga. Minsan, yung tao na dapat mo sanang tinutulungan, siya pa yung nagbibigay sa'yo ng dahilan para bumangon."

"Kaya mo 'to, Lanx. Hindi dahil sa kung ano ka noon. Pero dahil sa kung sino ka ngayon."

I stared at him, my ice cream forgotten, melting into a puddle in my hand. His words sank into me deeper than any advice I'd ever received.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I needed to stop looking back and start moving forward.

"Hindi ko alam kung paano, Dakarai." I admitted, my voice cracking. "I don't even know where to begin."

"Maybe by being kind to yourself first."

I fell silent. Kind to myself? That sounded like a luxury I couldn't afford. But maybe… just maybe… it was what I needed the most.

"Salamat, Dakarai."

He smiled. "Ano ka ba? Ikaw kaya ang abogado ko. Syempre, kailangan kong siguraduhing maayos ang estado ng utak mo para ipanalo mo 'yung kaso ko."

I laughed softly.

"I'll try." I whispered.

"No." He corrected. "You will."

Maybe healing isn't about reclaiming who I was, but embracing who I am now— flawed, struggling, but still moving forward.

————————————

Author's Note:

To my dearest and precious reader, as you read this story, I wholeheartedly wish that you find comfort, solace, and healing in my words, hoping they will build a pure connection between us, my precious, dearest reader.

If you'd like to stay in touch with me or chat about my work, feel free to reach me directly at my crib via cribofharaya@gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you. Hiraya manawari!