The Art of Not Dying Like an Idiot

The Sun has long dipped below the horizon, painting sky in hues of deep purple and orange, before finally succumbing to the darkness. We set up a makeshift camp after walking for what felt like ages... thankfully, without any trouble or unforeseen events. It was a simple camp – a few logs, some sheets used as blankets and a campfire what Elaina lit up with some spell... come to think of it, unlike me, she doesn't announce names of spells she casts. She just... does. Well, good to be her, I have no idea how to do so. We settled it all in some clearing just off the big road.

Boldwyn was skinning some unfortunate creature he'd just caught a bit earlier – a rabbit, I think, but I didn't ask and he didn't offer – and Elaina was scribbling something in her notebook with a pencil. Interesting to note that they have pencils in this world. And Alaric...

Alaric was... practicing. 

To be more accurate, he was committing what could only be described as a war crime against the idea of martial arts.

I'm leaning against a tree, watching – half-amused, half-horrified – as Alaric does whatever he does, as I can't call it swordplay. Alaric's movements are a chaotic mess of unnecessary flourishes, wild spins, and a grip so wrong I almost cried. I would describe that grip as something between "clutching his sword as if it's a hammer" and "grabbing it tight as if it can bite him". At one point, he attempted a reverse grip with a longsword. It made my fingers ache in sympathy. For the sword. 

His style is... calling it "atrocious" would be quite generous. "Catastrophic" – more accurate. "Torture to look at" – plain truth. That's what happens when you let a prophecy raise a child instead of, let's say, a competent instructor. 

Boldwyn, perched on a nearby stump, is sharpening one of his daggers with a whetstone. He caught my expression and snorted.

"Painful to watch, isn't it?"

"Yeah, you tell me", I muttered, "How come he didn't accidentally stab himself yet?"

"Pure luck, I bet", the dwarf shrugged, "Or divine intervention. Wouldn't put it past the Mother to keep her chosen one from skewering his own foot."

Elaina, however, is either incompetent enough to actually like it, or was siding with Alaric no matter what. They are childhood friends, and come from the same town, but... still. She claps her hands together as Alaric finished his latest spinning maneuver, which, impressively, managed to accomplish nothing except making him dizzy, and me – mad.

"That was amazing, Alaric! You're getting so much better!", Elaina encouraged.

"You think so?", Alaric, panting slightly, responded, "I've been working on my Whirlwind of Justice technique!"

Whirlwind of- 

Oh, for f**k's sake!

I couldn't take it anymore. I sigh. Loudly. Very loudly.

"What?", Alaric said with clear disdain.

I cross my arms.

"Oh, nothing. Just admiring your... unique approach to combat."

Boldwyn chuckled. Elaina didn't even look up. Alaric's face reddened.

"I'll have you know this is the sacred Dawnfire style, passed down through generations of-"

"Yeah, yeah, generations of people who clearly never fought anything more dangerous than a training dummy. Actually, it would be an insult to all the training dummies in the world."

"You!..."

"Let's look at it realistic, shall we? I would say now I know the reason why you're an orphan. If that's how your parents were fighting, they didn't need bandits or demons. They would just kill themselves."

Alaric stumbled. Perhaps, it was a bit too far, even for me. So I tried to change the subject.

"Tell me, o mighty hero, have you ever actually won a fight? Winning after nearly dying first doesn't count."

His mouth opened, then closed.

"Yeah, thought so."

Elaina glanced between us, then wisely decided to pretend she was engrossed in her notes. Boldwyn, being as sane as he is, was now openly grinning. Alaric's grip on his sword tightened. 

"If you're so knowledgeable, mister Know-It-All Kai... why don't you show me how it's done?!"

I shrug and stand up, rolling my shoulders.

"Fine. But when you're eating dirt in three seconds, don't say I didn't warn you."

I didn't have a sword, but that was an easy fix. I grab a sturdy branch from the edge of the clearing and give it an experimental swing. Not perfect, but it would do.

Alaric squared up, adopting what I assumed was his "battle stance" – blade held high, feet too close together, weight unevenly distributed. I almost felt bad for what's about to happen. But not bad enough to stop.

"Ready?", I ask.

He nodded, face set in grim determination. Well then.

He moved, so did I. He made a step forward, I made two. He swung his blade in a hilariously wide arc, that was easily parried. Unlike in the fight in the alleyway, where he was forced to act efficiently due to compromised position, he had no leverage behind the strike. After that block, just a quick move of a stick, since he has opening and I have nothing to prevent me from going on offensive, and...

Thwack.

The stick connects with his neck. He falls down. Although, even if he didn't, I said the following.

"And, stop. You're dead."

Elain gasped. Boldwyn burst out laughing.

He looked at me in confusion.

"What?!"

"Well, consider the following: if it would be real combat, I would have a sword in my hand. Do I need to explain why a sword connecting to your neck is lethal?"

Alaric groaned, pushing himself up to stand up.

"That... that was a cheap shot!", he proclaims.

"Yes, it's not an honorable duel!", Elaina agreed.

I chuckled, putting all my strength to not laugh.

"Yeah, you're right. It was a cheap shot. Because, believe it or not, I want to win. That's just how real combat is. You think bandits or demons are going to wait for you to recover from a parry, or to finish your twirl? They will, like I just did, go for your vitals in an instant."

He scowled but didn't argue.

I tossed the branch aside and hold out a hand. He takes it grudgingly, letting me haul him to his feet.

"Look", I said, "if you actually want to survive long enough to kill this Demonlord, you need to stop treating your sword like a prop and start treating it like a weapon. If slaying the big bad evil guy is your fate, the prophecy may as well just say", I assume a pose as if I sing my heart out, "'When brave hero Alaric held his sword in reverse grip, the Lord of Shadows fell dead in an instant!... from laughter.'"

Alaric hesitated, then sighed.

"...fine. Show me."

Oh boy, I am not sure it was a correct choice to rope myself into it. But then again, watching him do a spin attack and get stabbed in the back would hurt me more than it hurts him.

First, I correct his grip.

"Your hands are too close together", I say, adjusting his fingers, "You lose leverage like that – I managed to block your mighty strike with a wooden stick. Spread them... here, and here. This gives you better control over your blade."

Alaric frowned, but adjusted his hold. Next, footwork.

"You're standing like you're about to topple over", I nudge his boot with mine, "Widen your stance. Bend your knees... my god, no, not like you're squatting – like you're ready to move."

He shifted awkwardly. 

"Imagine there's a rope tied to your hips, pulling you forward. Your weight should be balanced, not leaning back like you're afraid of your own sword... although, I understand, if I were swinging it like you do, I would be afraid, too."

He muttered something under his breath and adjusted again. Finally, we can actually get to swings. It didn't even take a year.

I take the branch again and demonstrate a basic oberhau – a simple overhead strike. Nothing simpler than this. 

"See? No flourishes. No wasted movement. No jumps. No spins. No reverse grip. Just efficiency", I swing again, the branch cleanly cutting through the air, "Power comes from your hips and shoulders, not your arm. Use the chain of your body... and no, spin doesn't actually add more power."

Alaric mimics the motion, his swing still too wide, but... at least it is an actual sword attack. 

"Good. Now, again. This time, don't telegraph it like you're announcing your attack to the entire continent."

He grumbled, but obeyed.

"How... is this attack called? What is its name?", he asks.

"Really?", I ask, but then shrug, grin and continue, "Actually, it does have a name. It's called 'normal slash'. Sometimes also 'basic overhead' or 'simple swing'. Because, trust me, it is so much more practical than any 'legendary' attack that has some stupid ballad-inspiring name.

After a few more drills with movements so basic even a complete noob would understand – but we don't have a noob, we have a "special kid" – Alaric was sweating, his movements less clumsy... but still far from refined. Well, at least he won't stab himself in the next fight. He paused, panting, and wiped his forehead from sweat.

"Why... didn't anyone teach me what before?", he asks, frustration creeping into his voice.

"How would I know? Perhaps because you are the 'Chosen Hero'. I guess people just assumed you will accomplish your goal anyways, through divine guidance or whatever."

I instinctively looked at Boldwyn.

"Don't look at me, dog boy! How can I teach him? I may be good with my daggers, but sword fighting is a foreign territory for me. Especially longsword! Hi sword is longer than my body!", Baldie said. 

That makes sense...

"They trained me in... ceremonial forms. Said it was 'befitting of my station'", Alaric's expression darkened.

I burst out laughing.

"Yeah, well, 'ceremonial' won't save you when a bandit's sword is heading for your neck."

He didn't argue. For the first time since I'd met him, Alaric looks... uncertain. Not angry, not arrogant... just a kid who had been handed a destiny with no idea how to fulfill it. I almost feel bad for the guy.

Almost.

"Look", I say, "swordsmanship isn't about looking cool, it's about not dying. And right now, you're good at only one of those things."

He glared.

"Guess which one", I grinned.

"I understand... I should focus more on being practical, rather than being... a hero..."

"It was a trick question. The answer was 'none'. You didn't look cool either", I say.

Even Elaina stifled a giggle... Boldwyn, in his turn, didn't even bother hiding his amusement. To be fair, when did he do?

Alaric sighed, but after a moment, he picked up his sword again.

"Show me that move again."

I did. And, to his credit, he actually listened this time.

By the time we called it a day... or, rather, a night, Alaric's movements were... still far from perfect, but at the very least he wasn't trying to become a windmill anymore. Progress. As I settled back by the fire, Boldwyn tossed me a fried meat of... whatever was that anime he was skinning before.

"Didn't take you for a swordsman", he said.

"I'm not", I admit, "but I know enough to recognize when someone's about to get themselves killed."

"Where did you learn all that?", Elaina tilts her head.

I... was honestly sure that everything I just said was obvious and didn't need lessons, but... fine.

"HEMA", I reply.

When they stared blankly, I clarified.

"Historical European Martial Arts. Basically, studying how people actually fought with swords back in my world. Believe me or not, but in movies... erm, novels and books, there are countless fictional swordsmen who do the stupid stuff, like spins or jump attacks. HEMA, however, is about realistic and practical sword fighting. Because, well, it is how people used it in real life."

"You mean... you weren't a warrior?", Alaric frowned.

"Gods, no! I was an office worker!... you know, the guy who does paperwork. Swordplay was just a hobby." 

The look on his face was priceless. Boldwyn, who just stopped laughing a minute ago, is now laughing like a horse again.

"So the great hero is being taught by a cleric, who used to do paperwork and learnt swordplay as a hobby? Bahahahahahahaha!"

Alaric's eye twitched. I smirked.

"Well, life's funny like that." 

Our "Chosen One" groaned and flopped onto his blanked, muttering something about "insult to injury". A bit later, after everyone else was already asleep – assuming Boldwyn wasn't sleeping with his eyes open again – fire dims, and I lean back, starting at the stars, wondering, how many of them are actually eyes of the eldritch gods, waiting to open to observe me.

I hoped this lesson wasn't in vain. Maybe, just maybe, this idiot wouldn't get himself killed before we reached the Demonlord, like last time. And if he did? Well, I'll bring him back and explain all that stuff to him again. Time for me to sleep, too.

Next morning, after about half an hour of my lampooning of "waking this early is inefficient, since I will barely be able to walk", we set out to travel further. For today, our destination is some city that's name I didn't bother to remember. Not Barridge, but... one step closer to it, I guess. According to Boldwyn's calculations – and I trust Bald-Win – we shall be able to get to that whatever-it's-called City before the sunset, even if something happens. It's like he knows something will happen.

Who am I kidding? Something will happen.

"I tell you, you were too harsh, Kai!", Elaina says.

"I was just correct. If I were to agree with Alaric in his insanity, I would go insane soon enough, too", I reply.

"Guys, you know that I am right here?"

Alaric was walking ahead and, despite he was still down, he was a bit happy. Just a bit. Honestly, I was hoping he won't get to test his newfound knowledge until way later... but oh well, it is what it is.

From somewhere ahead, a distressed peasant-looking man is running towards us. 

"Help me, oh brave warriors!"

Oh no, not some mandatory side quest...

"What is it? What happened?", asks Alaric.

"Th-there's a beast ahead! A wolf... or a bear! I have no idea, I ran away from it as fast as I could!"

"A feral beast, on a large road? Quite a surprise. So, what about that beast? Is it just... standing there? I think it would just dive back into the woods, no?"

Boldwyn was right. No reason an animal would stand, guarding the road, like in some myths.

"It... it eats my cabbages! My cabbages!!!"

I chuckle. I know I shouldn't, but it reminds me of some cartoon I used to watch when I was still on Earth. I just can't remember which one.

"So, let me get this straight. A 'scary', feral predator, jumped you and your... I assume you have a card? Well, it jumped you and your card and... started to eat your... cabbages?", confirmed Baldie.

"Exactly! I am so scared... not for myself, but for my cabbages!"

Jeez, this guy is pissing me off. If he will continue like that, I will eat his cabbages myself the moment I get a chance! And I sure won't pay!

"Don't worry! Show us the way!", said Alaric.

"You sure, Allie?", asked Elaina.

"Of course! A hero must protect those in need!"

You can take a hero from stupidity, but you can't take stupidity from a hero... and such, we got roped into more unnecessary, unneeded, and overall useless side activities. I am just hoping whatever I taught him yesterday will bear fruit.

We, alongside the cabbage merchant, run forward, to where his card with his precious cabbages supposedly is. And we do see it – with a huge, probably 3-meter-tall if it would stand straight, beast with black fur. It has a wolf-like hair, chicken legs for the front legs and hooves for the hind legs. I'm surprised it doesn't have horns. 

The moment we come closer, it stops eating cabbages and turns to us, not approaching, but clearly hostile. Boldwyn and Alaric draw their weapons – even if Alaric had to make a few tries – and Elaina prepares... mentally, I think, as she doesn't have a weapon. Me? I'll just stand in the back and intervene if necessary.

"Ready to show what you learnt yesterday, 'Hero'?", I ask.

"Yes. Let's go."

The Rogue and the Hero rushed in. Boldwyn dashed past the... let's call this beast a chimera. Baldie dashed past the chimera and sliced its side with his daggers, but it seems like the beast didn't even twitch. I suspect its skin is very tough. Well, now it's Hero's turn. Still running, Alaric delivered an overwhelming slash on the monster's head, from up to down. Lacking in finesse, but a fine attack overall. Considering his wild strength, if it would be a normal animal, it would be split apart... but...

That slash did press chimera's head to the ground, but it quickly regained its strength and swung its head, throwing Alaric back and making him drop his sword. Then, the beast caught Alaric's sword mid-fall with its teeth... and broke it?! What even is that thing?!

At the same time, Boldwyn returns, jumping on top of the monster, trying to pierce its eye with his knife. After all, the head of this beast was large enough that a dwarf could stand on it. But it was not meant to be. No, not because chimera threw him away, not. The reason was... simpler.

A fire arrow flew past me, hitting the chimera right in the head, creating an explosion. A classic fireball. And like a classic fireball using mage, Elaina made a simple mistake... Boldwyn was in explosion range! So the poor guy was sent flying, but the beast was... fine?! It just shook its head, making fire dissipate and ran towards us.

"Hold Monster!"

I extend my hand towards that thing. It stops, as if invisible chains restrict its movement. Chimera roars, ready to eat us alive the very moment it can move.

"Elaina, now! Do it again!"

I turn back to look at Elaina. She... is sitting, covering her head with her hands and sobbing. She's muttering something like "Not again!" and "How could I fail again?!" Are you telling me... it's not the first time she hit her friends with a fireball? Jeez, I don't have time for that.

"Elaina, I'm just saying! If you won't shoot your fireball again, we're all dead!"

Of course, I can probably kill that beast by dragging it into my Demiplane, or opening a Gate in its body... but surely it is not the time where high-level spells are absolutely necessary. I just need to get this pyromancer-novice to do something!

"I'm a bit occupied, so just do your goddamn job!"

"B-but last time I did, it didn't do anything to that thing! And I hurt Boldwyn, too!"

"Don't think about it too much! For first problem, I have a solution! Just start casting! I can't hold it forever!"

Actually, I probably can. I don't even need concentration. But I need Elaina to fire her god damn fireball!

She finally stood up and held her hand forward. I could see red-ish energy gather around her. Good, now it's time.

"Enhance Ability. Bless."

Her body first glowed yellow, then bright white, colors of Enhance Ability and Bless, respectively. A second later, the second fire flew towards the beast from her hand and... oh my god! We are were standing in about 20 meters away from it and I still felt it! Perhaps I shouldn't over-buff her anymore!

Needless to say, the monster dropped dead in an instant. While Elaina was still poking its burning body with a stick to check if it's truly dead, I went to cast Cure Wounds on both Alaric and Boldwyn. They didn't help much, but... at least they didn't harm themselves. 

"What even was that thing?", I ask.

"Must be a demonic beast", replied Boldwyn, "But I would never expect such a monster in Lumina. Commonly, they inhabit the Wasteland and invade Drakspine sometimes. But here... it's weird."

"Indeed... never heard of corrupted animals that far from Forbidden Lands."

Alaric and Boldwyn continued to discuss the nature of the monster, but I honestly didn't listen. What I did listen to, however, is...

"My cabbages!!!"

Oh, yes, a music to my ears.

"I asked you to save them! Not burn them!"

"Well, sorry, man, we were kinda busy saving you. And ourselves. Mostly ourselves", I reply, coming closer to the merchant.

I could probably restore cabbaged with some spells, given they are plants, and such, organic life, but... it would probably be Regenerate, which is a high-level spell, and besides... this guy is too annoying!

"Who cares about my life! My cabbages!"

He kept yelling about his cabbages and how they were more important than his and our lives, while we continued walking forward.