46: Harsh Truth

"I hate hearing that name come out from your mouth…"

She's sobbing, I can hear her sobbing.

"Because it felt as if you're pertaining to a precious jewel that I didn't gave you."

Is she referring to my birth mother? She knew my birth mother?

"She couldn't even hold her own child, I raised Avery… I raised the product of your story of love."

Then… the reason why I wasn't born of a queen is because…

"I was your queen but the moment I saw Patrice, I knew you had your own queen, a queen who didn't need the crown as she herself is your whole world."

My birth mother was not a noble… and if I get this correctly, she was a commoner.

"Harmony,"

I was still processing the revelations I've just received when I heard her speak again

"Your daughter reminds me so much of that wench." My eyes widened because of what I heard

"So much that I sometimes despise myself for hating the innocent child."

Harmony…

Is that my mother's name?

"Patrice was innocent but every time I see her, I remember that you never loved me within our years of marriage." She said

"I remember that I had almost stained my hands."

She stained her… hands? Did she kill someone? Who was it?

But… she said almost… so…

"I, Katrina Ivashkov, who came from the noblest and purest noble family, had to order someone of the underground to kill Harmony while she was carrying Patrice."

She… she did what?

I felt my anger began to boil. Not only did she almost kill me and render me infertile, but she had also ordered someone to kill my mother!

"But I also told you about it. Stupid isn't it?"

Then… my mother… my mother didn't die in the hands of the men Katrina had sent.

"I couldn't kill Harmony as she was the only woman who stayed even after I got pregnant with Trinity."

My mother… stayed? Was she… was she a servant at the Ivashkov household?

"Nor can I kill the innocent Patrice when you and Harmony saved my Trinity from the same fate that was plotted by my own family."

My eyes widened and I held the cover of the hole with my shaking hands.

"I was ready to give way," she said

What would she give way for?

"I had taught her what she needed to know so the council couldn't eat her alive the moment you introduced her as your chosen queen after Astrae had recovered."

My mother was supposed to be introduced as father's chosen queen. That means, Katrina would've been divorced by father and would be sent back to the Ivashkov estate.

If Astrae had recovered then that was supposed to have taken place twelve years ago.

Why was Katrina still the mother and queen I grew up with if she was supposed to be introduced when I was five?

"But then, she died the night before,"

Died… That means she wasn't killed, right? She didn't suffer or anything, right?

"And so, for her I raised Patrice,"

I wanted to go to Katrina, to confront her, to ask her those questions, but I knew I couldn't so, I settled to merely listening.

It seems that Katrina had taken too much wine and ended up intoxicated.

"I may have shortcomings as a mother on both Trinity and Patrice, you knew I tried my best to be a good mother to both of them."

I wanted to doubt her words but… but I couldn't bring myself to doubt the emotions laced in it as… as the intoxicated speaks from the heart.

"You made me promise that no matter what I must teach your daughter everything she must know so she will not get devoured."

I stilled for a moment, processing and realizing…

Indeed, Katrina taught me everything I should know as a queen, she taught me strictly, I resented her for being too strict with me and now…

I finally understood why.

"And so I did,"

"No matter how painful, I raised Patrice who killed her that day."

I felt like a large lit boulder had hit me, my heart seemed to have stopped beating and my eyes began to sting, I soon felt tears starting to roll down my face

It's not making any sense!

I don't get it!

I bit my lips when my tears began falling.

I closed my eyes before looking down and began shaking my head, refusing to take in the statement Katrina had just said.

It's so confusing!

I don't understand!

I closed the hole and left, I ran, I ran and ran until I reached the part where I entered. I leaned on the wall, slid down sitting on the ground, and hugged my knees. My eyes sting and the tears continue falling endlessly.

My mind is in a complete turmoil.

I refuse to believe it.

It's not true! It's not true!

I didn't… I wouldn't… I couldn't have…

That's… that's impossible!

I was five! I was five!

How can a four-year-old… how can a four-year-old kill her own mother?

That's absurd! That's impossible!

But then… a part of my mind reminded me that I was…

I was four and I managed to damage Astrae gravely…

Doesn't that mean that I am capable of such thing?

But she was my mother!

Why would I kill my own mother?

She is my birth mother? Why would I kill her?

I don't have a reason to do so!

Why… why did… why did I…

I was panting as tears continue to race down my cheek one by one. It was hard to breathe, I feel like there's something blocking my airway, my vision has become blurry because of the tears that wouldn't stop falling. I felt like there's something around my heart, like it's being clenched tightly.

I held my wrist, removed the communication bracelet and placed it on the ground. I buried my face on my knees as my tears continued to cascade in a never-ending stream from eyes.

Zairo…

I wanted to call out to him, to tell him everything like I used to do as a kid, but I'm no kid anymore. I'm already 17, a crowned queen who's on her path to reclaiming her rightful throne after being overthrown.

But… I'm starting to question if… if I really deserved the throne…

I gravely damaged Astrae, I caused the death of my people, I destroyed livestock and livelihood… do they deserve to be ruled by a queen like me? A queen who had once caused Astrae's downfall, am I still deserving of ruling Astrae, the kingdom I've destroyed once, after all that I've done?

I doubt… I highly doubt that... that the people of Astrae will still view me the same way if they knew. I doubt they can still bear to accept me back, to take me back as their queen.

I lifted my head and I looked at my palm, the light from the torch is the only thing helping me see my palm. My chest began to feel heavy at the sight of it, it's as if I'm wearing a very tight corsets with metal and it weighs my chest down.

The gift… no… the curse… that I used to admire, that I was so proud of having, that I wanted to use to my own advantage in reclaiming Astrae had already brought great damaged Astrae.

If I had known that this… this ability had hurt the people I value, that this ability had killed my birth mother then… then… I wouldn't have dared practice nor learn it in the first place.

They're right… Katrina and Ezra are right… this ability is a curse.

I wonder if it's also this curse that had killed the woman who gave birth to me.

If it's also the reason why my father was assassinated…

Damn… I don't think… I don't think I can bear the thought of that.

I clenched my hand into a fist and hit my head with it as I continue to bite my lips while crying. I feel so pathetic, I feel disappointed.

I'm disappointed of my proud self who had used this gift in every step of the plan.

I don't know how long I have spent crying and regretting everything before I decided to stand up. My legs feel weak, my eyes hurt from all that crying, but I decided to continue walking, I took the path that lead me to outside of Astrae, the one we used in escaping during the rebellion.