47: Break Down

I'm currently here in our escape house. It's been days, they're probably wondering why I still haven't returned but… but I just can't bring myself to move after all of those things.

I'm having hard time functioning, I lost it.

I guess… I guess… I should just let Astrae fall under Zairo's ruling.

Taking our plan into account, that solution would resolve the conflict between Astrae and Arcadia, it will also be better for the people to have a ruler who had never caused them harm, maybe they'll even prefer a former enemy than a traitor who hid behind her crown.

I already admit defeat, I already lost my motivation to strive forward. What should I do now? How can I continue after finding out all of it?

My vision became blurry and I felt tears began falling one by one like those of morning dews from the leaves. It breaks my heart just to recall that I… I had killed my people… that I have destroyed livelihood… that I have scarred my people.

My eyes feel heavy but I couldn't close them… the fear of being haunted by those that I have killed scares me that I couldn't find myself to close my eyes and sleep.

I bowed my head and looked at my hands when I felt the cold breeze entering from the open window, they're shaking… but not from the cold.

A sob escaped my lips… followed by the rain-like falling of my tears. I've been like this during the past couple of days. I would just suddenly find myself crying and breaking down after staring into nothing.

I wanted to fool myself that Katrina knew I was listening that's why she said that, I wanted to lie to myself that I didn't do any of those things, that I didn't kill anyone, that I wasn't the reason why Astrae was gravely damaged thirteen years ago.

But how am I supposed to believe the lies I fabricated for myself if I knew that there's no way of disproving those facts? How am I supposed to continue if all along, I was the enemy of my own kingdom?

"Patrice," it was followed by the sound of the door creaking but I didn't raise my head

I didn't bother because I don't think I can still face Zairo after… after what I found out.

"Pam, what's wrong?" I heard him asked and I shook my head

"Nothing," I looked up and smiled

"Pam," he sat in front of me and I averted my gaze

Refusing to meet his eyes out of embarrassment, I just can't do it anymore.

"Hey," he was about to touch my hand but I moved it away

"What's wrong?" he asked and I felt his hand on my cheek

He lifted my face and made me look at him, his brows are furrowed and I can see worry in his stormy grey eyes, I immediately averted my gaze from his.

"Pam," he worried called and I shook my head and moved away

"What happened?" he asked and I shook my head

"There's nothing to worry about," I straight-up lied

He can see through it but that doesn't matter right now.

"Pam," I stood up when he suddenly touched my shoulder

"You're acting strange." He commented and I looked at him blankly

"Why are you here?" I asked him

"I couldn't contact you, Patrice," he said worriedly then I watched as his eyes trailed downwards before it stopped on my wrist

"Where is your – I left it." I cut him off and sighed

"Where did you leave it? You know how important it is to have a means of communication at a time like this." He asked me and I averted my gaze

"I left it in the passageway," I replied and he ran his hand through his hair

He's probably frustrated of me right now.

"What are you doing here, King Zachary?" I asked him formally and I saw how his expression changed

"We need your orders, Patrice, we need our queen to lead us to victory." He said calmly and I looked at him for a moment before I shook my head

"You're both kings, surely you can do it on your own." I said and turned my back

"Patrice," he held my shoulder but I shook it off and glared at him

"What's the matter?" he asked

"Get out," I said and turned my back

"Pam," he called out but I couldn't face him

I doubt he'd still help me once he finds out that I had damaged Astrae before. And I won't wait for that moment to happen.

"Just leave, Zairo, I want to rest." I said almost inaudible not facing him

I don't think I can bear it once I see hate I his eyes.

I won't be able to take it once Zairo hates me too, he's all I have left.

"Patrice, what is happening to you?" he asked

"I said get out!"

I wasn't able to control it, the moment he held my shoulder and was about to pull me to face him, I reacted violently and ended up releasing spikes from the floor directed at him.

My eyes widened and I took a couple of steps back, he stilled on where he is standing while I continued to take steps back until my back hit the wall.

"Just leave," I said breathlessly and looked down

"Patrice," I looked at him in disbelief

"Can't you see, Zairo? I almost hurt you!" I exclaimed in disbelief

"Pam," he crossed the spikes and held me by my shoulder

"Leave, Zairo, don't make me say it again." I said seriously

I thought he's going to leave but he pulled me close to him and hugged me.

"Zairo," I resisted but, when I felt his warm hand gently patting my back, my tears began falling rapidly

"Z…Zairo…" I sobbed and buried my face on his chest

I don't know but his action stirred up a lot of emotions within me. I cried hard in his chest and he just hugged me without asking anything. He kept me in his arms, coaxing me as I cry all of my frustrations, anger, and pain out, he supported me to keep me standing.

"I'm here," his soft and gentle voice is the only thing I can hear amidst the sobs escaping my lips as I cry

He patiently caressed my hair and tapped my back while hugging me, I don't know how Zairo could remain patient as I continue to breakdown in his arms.

"I won't leave," he assured me and I shook my head

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead on his chest.

Can you still say that after finding out I killed my mother? I wanted to ask but I couldn't bring myself to do so, afraid I'll get hurt by his answer.

I let myself feel comfortable while keeping in mind that this… this might be the last time.

No one will ever accept a murderer, a monster, I'm certain of that.

After calming myself down, I sat up properly and bowed my head.

"Patrice," he called me

The gentleness in his voice will soon disappear the moment he learns of the truth.

"I'm okay now." I said

"Pam, I know you want to act strong but we all have our down moments." He said

I was about to refute, to tell him I'm fine but then I realized that I must cherish the care he is giving me now, I won't have anyone care for me the way he does after everyone learns of the truth.

"I'm fine, Zairo, I really am, thanks for worrying." I said and smiled at him

We're both silent, the cold wind is circling in the room. It seems that Zairo really has no plan on leaving me alone.

"Patrice," he suddenly held my shoulder and I was too late to react

My spikes had wounded him, he looked at me with wide eyes while I suddenly stood up and stared at the crimson color that had tainted my almost whitish clear ice spike.

What if… my eyes widened and looked at Zairo when a sudden realization dawned on me

What if this was how I killed my birth mother?

I covered my mouth while Zairo just wrapped his wound with a cloth. I stepped back and my back hit the wall again. My eyes began to well up with tears and my hands began shaking.

No, no, no, please, no.

"No matter how painful, I raised Patrice who had killed her that day."

I shut my eyes tightly while shaking my head when Katrina's slurred intoxicated voice as she said that statement echoed in my ears. I couldn't help but cry upon my sudden realization.

I… I might've been… been an unstable child… that's why… that's how… I… k…killed my… my birth mother.

"Patrice," I heard Zairo's voice

"Don't come near me." I opened my eyes and looked at him with a glare

"Let's talk this out, your emotions are running wild because your emotions are – I know! I know!" I cut him off and clenched my hands into a fist

"Pam, calm down," he tried to approach me but I harshly shook my head

"Pam, please," he tried to negotiate

"Just go, Zairo, please," I begged him and I saw how different emotions swirled in his stormy gray eyes

"Patrice, I won't –" I cut him off by shouting

"Just go away! I don't want to kill you too!"