WAS IT ALL A LIE?

It's been a few years,

Since I felt this worried.

My mind races about tomorrow,

As a new day begins.

So many questions,

So many thoughts.

Will the abuse repeat again?

After such a sweet break.

Everything hurts,

From my memories to my thoughts.

I feel as though I won't make it,

Another step or two.

My heart is cracking,

Knowing I would never be the same again.

My world is crumbling,

Just like my mind is.

I don't know what will I do.

Every nightmare makes me feel insecure.

Should I stop with these questions or Ignore the state I am in?

My heart is racing beyond my breath,

Just like those days, I used to have panic attacks.

My achievements of becoming better,

Or am I being delusional about it all?

Is being crushed down to the ground better than aiming for something that would never be in my grip?

Everything I ever did to recover,

Will it all be wasted?

Knowing that my entire mental health was nothing but a mistake.

Where are these thoughts coming from?

I don't seem to understand but they do make some sense.

Threats and abuses were all a lie?

The damage that was done,

That misplaced my identity,

Making sure I would never be the same.

Was it all a lie?

Now what's to come,

I am not yet prepared.

Too frightened to hear those words again.

A place where I have trusted my entire life to,

Is being questioned by a single thought.

No words, no vocal sound needed,

Questioning myself,

Will decide the cause of my suicide.