Slimes Were Harmed in the Making of This Experiment

You know, for a scam that went smoother than my nonexistent love life, I gotta say—10/10 would let that gremlin overcharge me again. Dori could've sold me a rock with googly eyes and I'd still walk away nodding like I understood the assignment.

We left the alleyway with lighter wallets, heavier packs, and the haunting realization that we now legally own a capsule titled "Swordfighting Techniques VIII." Where's I through VII? Probably in Dori's Next Week's Super Secret Scam Sale.

Anyway, I looked over at Lumine and Paimon.

"So we've secured the goods," I said, puffing up my chest proudly. "Totally overpriced goods, but hey—so are most illegal things. So... where to now?"

Paimon hovered beside us like a floating moral compass that's slowly given up. "Our dealings with Dori went smoothly enough. Let's head to Wikala Funduq and meet up with Alhaitham. Hopefully now, he'll finally tell us what the Akademiya lost."

Lumine gave a small nod. "I just hope he doesn't lift a whole table this time. I'm still recovering from the last flex-off he had with gravity."

Greg hissed, which I took as: Don't trust anyone who has muscle tone and brain cells.

Right. That guy. The walking muscle encyclopedia. The man who treats the library like a dumbbell rack.

So off we went, casually strolling to the most suspiciously official-looking building in Port Ormos. And there he was—standing with the grace of a Greek statue and the biceps of someone who's committed murder via bookbinding.

Alhaitham turned his gaze toward us. "You three made it. And from the looks on your faces, you were successful."

"Wouldn't call it success so much as creative bankruptcy," I muttered. Greg, my noble lizard, flicked his tongue in silent agreement.

Paimon's eyes darted around the room. "Whoa, there's so many people from the Akademiya here! Why would you pick this place as our meet-up spot?"

"Wikala Funduq is under the Akademiya's control," Alhaitham replied, folding his arms like a gym model who's also your TA. "Naturally, they have people working here. I came under the pretense of conducting official business."

"Right, sneaky and swole," I whispered. "This man's got it all."

"You're a pretty daring guy..." Paimon added.

"Relax. No one here is interested in anything we say, and the matra won't come here. Okay now, tell me how your encounter with Dori went."

Lumine handed over the capsules, giving a quick recap. I nodded dramatically like I was also part of the summary. I wasn't. I zoned out halfway.

Paimon hovered forward. "Okay, we did what you asked. So, can you tell us about the Knowledge Capsule that the Akademiya lost now?"

Alhaitham paused. "Before that, I have to ask—why are you so intent on tracking it down? You don't have to answer, of course."

"It's not a secret," Lumine said calmly. "We want to meet with the Dendro Archon."

Paimon nodded. "Yeah! We just want to meet the God of Wisdom and ask her about something important. We've been in Sumeru for a while now, but we still haven't found a way."

"When we heard the Akademiya lost something that might be related to the gods, we figured this might be our lucky break."

"In that case, you're on the right track."

Okay, plot moving forward, cool cool.

Alhaitham adjusted his coat. "A short while ago, the Akademiya lost a Knowledge Capsule in the desert. Supposedly, it's a Divine Knowledge Capsule. Use it, and you gain the wisdom of the gods."

"Wow, there's really such a thing!?" Paimon gasped. "Hey, if we find it, do you think it could help us meet the Dendro Archon? Ooh—or find your brother?"

"Or," I cut in, "how about a recipe for a new snack? Preferably with fried cheese and existential dread."

Lumine gave me a glare so sharp, my soul packed its bags.

Alhaitham raised a brow. "I highly doubt it has mystical properties. But it does exist—and it's here in Port Ormos."

"So... where exactly?" Paimon asked.

"That's what we need to find out next."

Lumine narrowed her eyes. "Your goal is to find it too?"

"I won't deny that," Alhaitham said. "I'm investigating it out of curiosity."

"Of course you are," I muttered. "Buff and brainy. Man probably built a gym out of bookcases."

Alhaitham continued like I hadn't spoken. "The Eremites are after it as well. Several brigades are competing for it. Some believe it contains King Deshret's power and want it for religious reasons."

"So you kept pushing because they wouldn't talk?" Paimon asked.

"Correct. I've been sabotaging their business to force negotiation. Dori is the only reliable informant, and that avenue was previously closed to me. But with your help, the situation has changed."

"In other words," Paimon said, "you wanted us to befriend Dori so you could find out where the capsule is?"

"Yes. But the arrangement benefits us all."

"The day after tomorrow, return to Dori and ask about the capsule. If she has nothing, wait another two days and try again. If I can study the capsule, I'll share my findings."

"That's exactly what we want," Lumine nodded.

"Okay. Then we'll meet up again in two days."

Paimon paused. "Wait, before you go! We actually bought a capsule for ourselves, but we're not sure how to use it."

"You want to try using one?" Alhaitham asked.

We nodded.

"Sure. But doing so under the Akademiya's nose isn't ideal. Let's head to the outskirts."

I raised a hand. "Quick question. Will this help me absorb knowledge like 'how to impress Nilou with lizard facts?' Asking for a friend. Greg."

Greg tilted his head, clearly invested in our academic and romantic pursuits. Then he gave a little flick of his tail, as if to say, "Bro, if this doesn't help you finally flirt like a functioning human being, I'm crawling into Alhaitham's satchel and starting a new life."

I gave him a solemn nod. He understood the stakes. So did I. And if this all went south, at least one of us would end up smarter. Probably the one with scales.

Alhaitham raised an eyebrow at my comment, then gave an unexpectedly cooperative nod. "You'd be surprised. Some knowledge capsules do contain culinary techniques. Though none tailored to romantic persuasion."

"Pfft," I scoffed. "That's fine. My charm's already legendary. Like... legendary in a Greek tragedy kind of way."

Lumine, ever the supportive light of my life, crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "Legendary in the sense that it should be sealed away and never spoken of again."

"Oof, cold," I muttered. Greg let out a tiny wheeze—probably his version of a laugh.

Paimon giggled and twirled in the air. "You kind of walked into that one, though."

"I walk into many things," I said proudly. "Doors. Disappointment. Love."

Alhaitham cleared his throat like he'd heard enough amateur stand-up comedy for one day. "If we're done with the romantic aspirations and zoological commentary, we should get moving."

And so, like clueless interns following their jacked professor, we marched toward the outskirts.

Will this be educational? Dangerous?

...Honestly, I just want to see if this capsule unlocks my ability to flirt without sounding like I have a concussion.

Onward, to potential brain upgrades!

Greg climbed up to my head again like a true scholar.

Knowledge awaits.

***

Walking to the outskirts of town felt oddly like we were about to conduct an underground lizard-themed fight club.

Not that I'd ever run one.

Legally speaking.

But Greg, still perched on his glorious reptilian throne (read: my head), seemed invested. His tail flicked like a metronome of judgment while I hummed a remix of my own theme song: "Gotta Impress Nilou Before I Die Alone."

We were on a mission. A mission of science, swords, and subtle flexing.

Also, possibly snacks.

"Alright," I mumbled. "If we find a capsule that teaches me how to cook or propose, I'm all in. Even if it's 75% scam and 25% placebo."

Lumine, walking just ahead, muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "I'll bury you in the desert."

I chose to believe she said "carry me through dessert."

Paimon, bless her little floating soul, was twirling mid-air and pretending we weren't about to test the most overpriced brain-jelly in Teyvat.

"Shigeru, do you even know how Knowledge Capsules work?" Paimon asked.

"Yes," I lied with confidence. "You... eat them, right?"

"No!" both Lumine and Paimon yelled in unison.

Greg did a lizard facepalm.

"Okay," I said, "but imagine if you could eat knowledge. Just chomp into a meatbun of wisdom and suddenly know how to juggle or play the lute."

"I will eat you if you keep talking," Lumine threatened.

"Noted," I said. "Verbal digestion is still digestion."

Finally, Mr. Protein and Philosophy himself—Alhaitham—stopped in a clearing shaded by a few sparse trees.

"Alright, this place works," he said. "Show me the capsule you purchased."

Paimon plopped it into his palm like it was a sacred artifact.

"Hm. Swordfighting Techniques VIII... A combat-class Knowledge Capsule," Alhaitham said. "Rare these days. Most have been hoarded by Eremites trying to beef up their skills."

Paimon beamed. "Really? Aw yeah! What a great buy!"

"Okay but like," I said, scratching my neck, "Where are volumes I through VII? Did we just buy the eighth season of a show with no context?"

"Wouldn't be the first time you skipped character development," Lumine muttered.

"Wow, okay, ma'am," I said, gasping. "That's... valid, actually."

Alhaitham went on, "If you want to determine the efficacy of this capsule, I can evaluate your combat ability. Two battles—before and after you use it. We'll monitor physical parameters via Akasha Terminal."

Greg flicked his tongue. I interpreted it as: Science mode engaged.

"Alhaitham," Paimon said, "you must've been top of your class, huh?"

"I did well enough."

Paimon squinted. "You didn't use Canned Knowledge to graduate, right? So why are you risking the Matra for this one?"

"I'm curious."

"That's it?" Lumine asked.

"When you're unable to understand a researcher's actions, most can be attributed to curiosity. That's one theory."

"Okay, but like, curiosity killed the cat, and I'm pretty sure I'm the cat in this metaphor," I said.

"Correction," Lumine said coldly. "You're the unpaid intern who followed the cat into the fire."

I gave Greg a look. "Why are they always mean to me?"

Greg looked at the sky. Existentially.

Paimon floated over and poked my cheek. "Maybe because you say things like you can eat Knowledge Capsules."

"It was a joke!"

"You sounded serious."

"I sound serious when I say I'm broke too. Doesn't mean it's not true."

"Alright," Alhaitham said, "let's begin. Lumine, fight normally."

They all stood back while Lumine stretched like she was preparing to obliterate a nation. I saw a slime chilling nearby. Poor thing didn't know it was about to become a statistical footnote.

"Go easy on the slime," I said. "He looked like he just finished his coffee break."

Greg nodded. He, too, respected the sanctity of a midday nap.

And then... boom. One slime massacre later, Lumine returned, brushing imaginary dust off her shoulder.

"Remind me to never piss her off," I whispered to Greg. He agreed silently by not running away.

Alhaitham looked off into the distance, eyes doing that contemplative sparkle thing like he was calculating the molecular weight of her punches.

"I'll link your Akasha Terminal to record data," he said. "Next step: use the capsule."

He handed it to Lumine, who took it carefully.

"Hold it. I'll help you establish a connection."

With his guidance, Lumine activated it. She blinked. Then her eyes glazed over for a moment, like she just saw the tutorial of life.

"I feel like I just had an epiphany..." she muttered. "As if I saw countless sword-wielding figures fighting one moment, and then in the next... they vanished into memory."

Paimon zipped up to her. "How are you feeling?"

"I felt something. Whatever was in the capsule... it's part of me now."

"That means it worked!"

Alhaitham nodded. "Time for round two. Fight with the same composure as before."

And so, another slime was sacrificed in the name of science. RIP lil guy. We knew thee not.

When it ended, Alhaitham resumed his analysis.

"I'll start recording again. Hmm... The capsule did improve her combat capability. Second battle performance increased by... 0.073%."

We all just... stared.

"Wait—how much?" Paimon squeaked.

"0.073%," Lumine repeated. "That's basically zero."

"Aaaaagh!" Paimon screeched. "Dori's such a jerk! One million Mora!? This thing isn't worth a tenth of that!"

"Told you," I said, arms crossed. "Classic Gremlin Business Model: Overcharge, underdeliver, sparkle laugh."

Alhaitham added, "Could be due to Lumine's already elevated combat capabilities. A weaker user might see more benefit."

Paimon flailed. "Still! 0.073%! That's like, not even enough to beat up Greg!"

Greg hissed.

"Ignore her, King," I whispered.

"At the very least," Alhaitham continued, "this test gave me insight into you two. Our deal seems increasingly worth my investment."

He pulled out some Mora and handed it over. "Use this to ask Dori for information. Pay her as much as needed."

I raised a brow. "Bro, you're loaded, huh?"

Alhaitham shrugged. "I live modestly."

"Cool, cool," I nodded. "I'll definitely get you as a sponsor once I convince Nilou to marry me."

SMACK.

My soul left my body. Again.

"Lumine!" Paimon whined. "You're getting way too jealous!"

"I am NOT jealous."

"She's totally jealous," I whispered to Greg.

Greg blinked.

One more word, Lumine's stare said, and I will end your suffering, which is your life.

Alhaitham turned, clearly done with us. "I'll be at the Wikala Funduq. I await your response in two days."

He walked off.

I swear, I heard him think: Screw these idiots. I'm out.

Fair.

I turned to the team. "Two days of free time, huh? Who's in for a little adventure that ideally won't get us wanted in another region?"

Paimon groaned.

Lumine sighed.

Greg climbed higher on my head.

Ah yes, adventure awaits.

Hopefully not jail time.

But hey, no promises.

__________________________

End of Chapter 93

Quests Completed:

*Successfully delivered Canned Knowledge to Alhaitham.

*Gained information about the Divine Knowledge Capsule and its whereabouts.

*Used the purchased Knowledge Capsule to test its effects.

*Defeated local slimes for science (and disrespect).

* Survived another day despite Lumine's death stares.

Rewards:

*100,000 Mora (From Alhaitham for future info exchange)

*-1,000,000 Mora (Totally worth it... right?)

*[Used Knowledge Capsule: Swordfighting Techniques VIII]Status: Activated and absorbed by Lumine. Efficiency: ~0.073%

*[Greg's Approval] Passive Effect: Increases inner monologue sarcasm by 12%

*[Research Data: Lumine's Combat Stats Before and After] Status: Recorded by Alhaitham, pending detailed analysis

Achievements:

"Scammed With Style"

-Spend over 1,000,000 Mora on something basically useless.

"Propose Like a Pro (Eventually)"-Publicly announce plans to marry Nilou. Again.

"Test Subject Acquired"-Willingly participate in an Akasha experiment without reading the fine print.