Homewreckers & Home Decorators

A phrase that, under normal circumstances, should mean "rest," "relaxation," or "finally nap like a lizard sunbathing on a rock." But no. Not for us. Not for me. No, apparently, free time meant "Shigeru, please come up with increasingly stupid ways to make everyone question your existence."

And so, with absolutely zero hesitation, I delivered.

"Alright, team," I said, hands on hips and Greg perched like a feathery judgmental god on my head, "we've secured the overpriced jellybean of knowledge, we got the go-ahead from Alhaitham—whose biceps probably have doctorates—and now we have two glorious days of unbridled freedom!"

Paimon floated, blinking. "So… what now?"

"First things first," I said, nodding like I had a plan, "what the heck should we do?"

Lumine, bless her, actually paused to think. The wind gently blew strands of her hair. The sun gave her that anime sparkle filter. She looked like a calm protagonist who's about to suggest a very wholesome side quest.

"We could visit the Grand Bazaar," she said, almost too casually.

I gasped, clutching Greg like he was my emotional support plushie. "YES! YES, FINALLY! I CAN SEE NILOU AGAIN!"

Lumine blinked. Her smile froze.

"No. Never mind," she said quickly, eyes narrowing like twin daggers of emotional suppression. "Forget I said that."

"What?! You can't just take it back!" I protested. "We all heard you! Greg heard you! He's a lizard, not deaf!"

She glared. Death. Absolute death in pixel form. I shriveled on instinct.

"We're doing something else," she announced with finality.

"What, like reorganize alchemy ingredients by viscosity?" I mumbled.

"More like something less likely to end in you embarrassing yourself or getting smacked."

"That's literally 90% of the appeal of being me."

She turned to me. Slowly. The smile faded.

"Then you suggest something, genius."

My eyes lit up. Oh no.

"Okay okay okay—how about... we disguise ourselves as Eremites and try to infiltrate a black market auction!"

"No," Lumine deadpanned.

"Absolutely not," Paimon echoed.

"Okay, okay, fine. What about—hear me out—we challenge a merchant to a Mora-flipping contest. Loser buys dinner."

"That's not a thing," Lumine replied.

"Why would that even exist?" Paimon asked.

"It should exist," I countered. "Culture is about innovation."

Greg flicked his tail.

I froze.

"You're right, Greg!" I said, eyes wide. "We could build a lizard-themed spa and charge Mora per soak! It's perfect. Hot stones. Mud masks. Tiny cucumbers for your eyes!"

Greg blinked slowly.

"No," Lumine muttered.

"Still no," Paimon added.

"Okay okay, last pitch: we enter a dance competition under fake names—mine will be Captain Spincycle—and if we win, we donate all the Mora to Nilou's fan club."

Lumine facepalmed.

Paimon joined her.

Greg sighed. Didn't know lizards could do that. He must've evolved.

"You know," I said, wounded, "somewhere in Teyvat there's a parallel universe where I'm appreciated."

"In that universe," Lumine said without lifting her hand, "you're probably in jail."

—

Eventually, we decided to not commit crime (for now) and just explore Port Ormos like regular tourists who might accidentally set something on fire.

Low risk. Medium chaos. High entertainment.

We walked through the streets, the scent of spices hitting our noses, colorful fabrics fluttering from the balconies above. Children played with Duskbirds, a vendor tried to sell us "authentic Archon-blessed earrings" (which were suspiciously made of clay and glue), and a bard was trying to woo a cat.

"What could possibly go wrong?" I said with a grin.

Lumine and Paimon didn't answer. They just looked at me.

Even Greg turned his head sideways like a disappointed uncle.

"Okay, rude," I said. "I feel very supported today."

Greg yawned. Big, majestic. Definitely sarcastic.

Still, I couldn't help but smile.

I mean, sure, we were probably going to stumble into another shady transaction or maybe a low-stakes kidnapping attempt, but for now? We had time. We had freedom. We had a talking emergency food mascot, a jealous blonde swordswoman, and a morally ambiguous lizard.

A squad.

"Oh, oh! Look at that souvenir stand!" I pointed. "They have those fake Akasha terminals you can use as a cupholder!"

"We are not wasting Mora on that," Lumine grumbled.

"I'm not wasting Mora," I said. "I'm investing in ambiance."

Paimon rolled her eyes. "Let's just try not to get kicked out of another store this time."

"That was one time! And in my defense, that mannequin looked like a real person!"

Lumine groaned, muttering something about "regrets" and "Archons help me."

Greg chirped approvingly. Finally, someone who understands me.

And off we went.

May the Archons help this city.

Especially its food vendors.

Especially if one of them ends up selling lizard hats, because Greg deserves fashion too.

We wandered further, and I started narrating our journey like I was some grand explorer.

"Day 3," I whispered dramatically. "The terrain is unfamiliar. The locals are wary. Our supplies are low. We've lost two teammates to the depths of boredom. Greg, my only hope, has started talking to me in ancient lizard tongue."

"Shigeru," Lumine warned, "if you keep that up, you might get lost for real."

"Joke's on you, I've been mentally lost for years."

Greg gave a dramatic tail flick. He approved.

Honestly, for a day meant to be chill, it was shaping up to be pretty memorable.

And mildly terrifying.

Which is honestly just a normal day for us.

I mean, sure, we were probably going to stumble into another shady transaction or maybe a low-stakes kidnapping attempt, but for now? We had time. We had freedom. We had a talking emergency food mascot, a jealous blonde swordswoman, and a morally ambiguous lizard.

But hey… I wouldn't trade this team for anything.

Not even for a lifetime supply of Nilou posters. (Okay, maybe a small trade. But only because the posters are limited edition.)

***

I love food. I love food with passion. Like, if food were a person, I'd already be married with three kids and a dog named Curry.

Which is why, when we were exploring yet another stall and my nose detected the divine scent of grilled skewers, I nearly cried.

But then my eyes wandered.

To a carpet.

Not a particularly majestic one. Not one enchanted or glowing. No, it was just a... carpet. And yet something about it struck me.

I paused mid-step. Greg perked up on my head.

"Wait a second. Now that I've thought about it," I said slowly, eyes narrowing like I just discovered some long-lost prophecy. "Guys. We've had the Serenitea Pot for a while now, right?"

Paimon blinked. "Yeah... So?"

"So?!" I spun dramatically, nearly knocking over a kid carrying soup. (Don't worry, I caught the bowl. I have priorities.) "WE HAVEN'T DECORATED IT YET."

Lumine and Paimon exchanged glances.

And then, as if some invisible dramatic music swelled up in the background, they both said in unison:

"Let's decorate our house!"

Even Greg flicked his tongue and nodded.

I, of course, raised a hand. "Counterproposal: we go eat more until our wallets cry."

All three of them deadpanned at me. Yes. Even Greg. He cocked his head and looked disappointed. I've never been so judged by a reptile.

Lumine crossed her arms. "Do that and you'll be decorating the floor—with your face."

"Right, right. Decorating the almighty teapot. Totally what I meant. Heh."

And thus, Operation Home Improvement: Chaotic Edition began.

We hit every furniture stall like we were on a shopping game show. Paimon acted like a tiny interior designer, picking curtains and vases and stuff I didn't even know were things.

Lumine? She had taste. Which meant she picked all the expensive-looking stuff and smacked my hand every time I reached for something that looked like it belonged in a clown's house.

Me? I bought a fake bonsai tree with a built-in music box. It played Liyue's theme. It was majestic. I also attempted to buy a statue of Zhongli with sunglasses, but Lumine tackled me before I could finish the purchase.

Greg just sat on my head like a crown. A judgmental, scale-covered crown.

Paimon dragged us toward every colorful thing like a squirrel high on sugar. Lumine actually had to hold me back at the snack stall.

"Why are you like this?" she muttered.

"Because I was dropped on the head as a baby. Multiple times. Probably."

Once our Mora bags were lighter and our inventory full, we headed toward the outskirts—the same place we had traumatized some slimes not long ago.

Lumine sighed. "I almost feel bad for using this place like a testing ground."

"You think slimes hold grudges?" I asked.

"If they do, you're first on their hit list," Paimon replied.

Greg sneezed. Probably agreeing.

Back in our teapot realm, Tubby greeted us like a bubbly vacuum cleaner NPC.

"Ah! Master! Guests! What a splendid occasion! Welcome back!"

"Tubby, my guy," I said, clapping his weird...orb...feathered...body, "we're going full HGTV mode today. You in?"

"But of course! This abode is your canvas!"

"Hell yeah it is."

We stepped into the mansion.

Silence.

Dust particles glistened in the sun rays. Furniture lay stacked like forgotten puzzle pieces. The floor creaked. It felt...empty.

Time to ruin it.

"So," I said, spinning dramatically like I was hosting a reality show, "how should we start this mess?"

"Paimon thinks we should start by cleaning!" she said, puffing up her tiny chest like a general.

"Cleaning it is!" I cheered, pulling out a mop, a bucket, and a bizarre amount of enthusiasm.

Two minutes in: I slipped on soap water. Greg leapt from my head to the railing, judging me from above.

Ten minutes in: Lumine found me riding the mop like a broomstick yelling, "I AM THE MOP-WIZARD!"

Fifteen minutes in: I was being hit with the mop I once rode. Repeatedly.

"STOP. MAKING. A. MESS!" Lumine shouted.

"You can't suppress ART!"

"I can and I will."

Paimon laughed. Then got hit with suds. Then we were both getting smacked.

Greg sat at the top of the stairs, tail curled like an ancient guardian, occasionally flicking it like he was scoring our stupidity.

Thirty minutes in: I tried vacuuming the curtains.

Forty-five minutes in: I vacuumed Greg by accident.

He didn't move. Just hissed like, "I'm surrounded by morons."

An hour in, I found a random painting of a radish and declared it art. Lumine threatened to burn it. Paimon said it "might haunt us in our sleep."

"I say we keep it in the bathroom!"

"No!" both of them screamed.

After what felt like hours of chaos and yelling and actual cleaning, we collapsed on the now shiny floor, panting.

"Okay... phase two?" I mumbled.

"Decorating," Lumine said with a smirk.

"May the Archons have mercy."

Decorating the house should've been easy.

Keyword: should've.

What actually happened: Paimon and I got into a three-minute debate about curtain colors. Lumine switched the placement of the couch four times. I tried to mount my bonsai-music-box onto the wall like a trophy.

"It's not a moose head!" Lumine scolded.

"It's modern art, thank you very much."

Greg hissed from the top shelf where he had claimed dominion.

I tried hanging fairy lights. Got tangled. Paimon tried helping. Got tangled too.

Greg watched, amused. I swear he was smiling.

At some point, we lost a chair leg and used my sword to prop it up. Innovative interior design, I say.

Eventually, somehow, things came together.

Bookshelves here. Plants there. Soft lights. Cozy rugs. An unholy number of Paimon-approved pillows.

We stepped back. Took it all in.

It actually looked... amazing.

"Huh," I said, nodding proudly. "Not bad... as expected of myself."

Lumine stared at me like I just claimed I built the moon.

"You knocked over three vases, ate the potpourri, and got stuck in a beanbag chair."

"And yet, the vibes? Immaculate."

Paimon giggled.

Even Greg seemed pleased. Maybe. He flicked his tongue at a lamp.

We collapsed onto the couch, satisfied, sweat-covered, and possibly hallucinating from the amount of cleaning spray I used.

"We should do the yard next," I said lazily.

Lumine nodded. "Yeah. Let's make it a proper sanctuary."

Paimon cheered. "Let's make it even better than Tubby expected!"

Greg stretched like a cat.

I raised my arm.

"To the garden!"

Lumine looked at me.

"You're doing the heavy lifting."

I stared at Greg.

"...He volunteers as tribute."

Greg leapt onto the top of the couch.

I think we all knew: the backyard was not ready for us.

But we were so ready for it.

We stepped out into the yard of the Serenitea Pot like adventurers discovering a new unexplored domain. Except instead of treasure, we were about to summon furniture out of thin air and argue about bush placements.

I squinted at the empty field.

"Man, this is too plain, don't you think?" I said, hands on my hips, doing my best impression of a disappointed homeowner.

Lumine nodded. "Yeah, it's kind of… barren."

"Sad," Paimon added with a pout. "Even Greg looks bored."

I looked up. Greg, perched majestically on my head as usual, gave a slow blink. I'm not sure if it was lizard-speak for agreement or if he was just judging me again.

"So," I said, dramatically spreading my arms, "we better start doing something, yeah?"

Cut to: the four of us standing there, staring at the yard like we expected divine landscaping inspiration to fall from the sky.

Five minutes of silence later, Paimon muttered, "Sooo… do we like, plant stuff? Or summon it? Or scream until something grows?"

Lumine turned to Tubby. "Tubby, what do we do?"

Ah yes, Tubby. The orb. The myth. The fluffy-feathered legend.

"Well!" Tubby chirped. "I can create furniture and environmental decor with the materials you have collected! Simply let me know your preferences!"

"Oh right," I said, snapping my fingers. "Teapot perks. Just like the game. Man, convenience is the true Archon."

"Still," Lumine mused, "how do trees just pop out of nowhere?"

"Because this is Teyvat," I deadpanned. "Where nothing makes sense and everyone accepts it like it's Tuesday."

Even Paimon agreed. "Yeah, fair. Like those floating platforms in Inazuma. What was that about?"

We gave Tubby the green light to go wild, and boy, we did not hold back.

"Okay! First off," I said, pacing like a general commanding his troops, "we need a pond. For fishing. And vibe purposes."

"Coming right up!" Tubby chimed.

With a small puff and glow, a full pond appeared. Like poof. Magic. Reality-warping nonsense.

We all stared.

"…Did anyone else see that?" I whispered.

"Nope," Lumine replied. "Just accept it."

"Greg probably understands this plane of existence better than us," Paimon added.

Greg flicked his tongue at the water. I took that as confirmation.

Next came trees. Benches. An outdoor kitchen. A whole smithy that none of us would realistically use.

"Why do we need a smithy?" I asked.

"Because it looks cool," Lumine replied.

"Also," Paimon said, "you're probably going to break stuff again. Might as well fix it here."

"Offensive but accurate."

Then came plots of land. Gardening patches. Decorative lamps. A mini shrine. A bonfire pit. A training dummy which I immediately punched and sprained my wrist on.

Greg chirped. Pretty sure he laughed.

Lumine placed a lantern tree beside the pond. "This is peaceful."

I dropped a couch facing the pond. "This is peak comfort."

Paimon added a table full of food models. "And this is delicious… looking."

And so it went. Hours of laughing, pointing, arguing over paths versus stone tiles, and me trying to create a waterfall but accidentally summoning a weird rock statue that looked like Baizhu.

"What is that?" Lumine asked, squinting.

"My sleep paralysis demon," I muttered.

Eventually, as the sun dipped and the soft glow of the teapot lights filled the yard, we lay on the grass, admiring our work.

"Man," I said, hands behind my head, "that was fun. Not gonna lie."

"Super fun," Paimon agreed. "Paimon didn't even know decorating could be this fun."

Greg, curled beside me, gave the smallest chirp. Happy.

Lumine smiled faintly. "It was… nice. Peaceful."

We all stared at the sky for a bit.

"I give it a 9.5," I said.

"Out of 10?"

"Out of 9.3."

Paimon groaned. "Here we go again."

Lumine sat up. "Well, that's enough calm for one day. Tomorrow, we're probably gonna be doing something ridiculous again."

"Like getting scammed."

"Again," Paimon echoed.

I sighed dramatically. "The life of an adventurer. Food, danger, and absolute chaos."

We all chuckled.

Tomorrow was another day.

But tonight? Tonight was ours.

And this little chaotic corner of a pocket realm… it felt like home.

____________________

End of Chapter 94

Quests Completed:

*Tries to justify buying a Zhongli statue with sunglasses.

*Start preparing your personal realm.

*Place 5 pieces of furniture without triggering Lumine's death glare

*Convince Paimon that zebra-print pillows are "cultural"

*Successfully combine 3 clashing designs into a "statement piece"

*Clean the Teapot Mansion without accidentally burning it down

*Summon at least 3 disasters while "cleaning"

*Transform your yard from empty void to cozy chaos

*Accidentally summon a Baizhu-shaped rock and terrify everyone

*Lay down with the crew and feel that slice of peace

Rewards:

*+1000 Friendship XP (Lumine, Paimon, Greg)

* +1 Stylish Lamp

*+15 Survivability XP

*+10 Comedy Points

*-10 Taste

*+1 Clean Floor Buff

*+1 Smacked by Lumine (Again)

*+5 Existential Confusion (From the trees)

*+1 Sleep Paralysis Debuff (Baizhu looking stone buff)

*+1 Mystery Decorative Rock (Cursed)