My Girlfriend Fought a Crime Lord and All I Got Was a Frying Pan

The sun peeked lazily through the clouds like it was also having a chill day, probably sipping tea and judging us from above. After spending a full day basking in the chaos we created in the teapot—complete with Greg turning into a lizard-shaped dictator from the railings, me breaking two and a half swords trying to "test the forge," and Paimon faceplanting into a pile of cushions—we finally decided to crawl out of our private paradise and see the world again.

Well. Not yet. First, we were still in that limbo where you say you're going to leave, but actually just chill in the yard doing nothing productive. Classic adventurer energy.

I stretched with a yawn that could rival a dragon's roar and made my way out. That's when I saw her.

Lumine.

Sitting at a bench under a tree, a rare serene expression on her face, like she was deep in thought—or plotting my demise. Could go either way, honestly.

"Waddup, my lovely blonde traveling companion," I greeted with my best dumb grin, hands tucked behind my head like the absolute genius I am.

She just gave me a look.

No words. Just the classic, soul-piercing eye-roll that screamed: "I tolerate you, but just barely."

Naturally, I took that as an invitation and plopped beside her, the bench creaking in protest.

"So really, what's up?" I asked, trying to sound casual but not too casual—like, emotionally available casual. A rare art form.

She sighed. "I was just wondering… Why do you like Nilou that much? You haven't even met her before we came here to Sumeru."

Oh.

My heart did a little two-step.

I looked at her. Really looked at her. The way her fingers curled slightly on her lap. The way her voice was trying to stay cool, but the edge of curiosity—and something else—leaked through.

I chuckled, a little softer than usual.

"I have a reason, actually," I said. "But… can I keep it for the meantime?"

Lumine blinked. Not expecting that answer. Not expecting me to be serious for once. Her expression shifted slightly.

"…Sure."

I smiled, genuine. A real one. The kind that doesn't show up often because I usually bury it under sarcasm, idiocy, and food metaphors.

She glanced at me again. And that's when I noticed it—

The blush.

Like she just remembered something embarrassing and was fighting the urge to shove me off the bench.

"You like me, don't you?" I said, tilting my head. "Like… that kind of like."

BOOM. Explosion. Complete emotional meltdown.

"I-I-What?! NO! I mean—I don't—You—Idiot—!" she stammered, her face the exact shade of a well-cooked crab.

I laughed. "Don't worry. I actually know. Your jealous face always gives it away. I'm not that dense, you know?"

She pouted, arms crossed. "You're such a piece of work. Why do you always piss me off then?"

I leaned back, hands behind my head, and looked up at the sky.

"…Maybe that's my defense mechanism."

She blinked. "Huh?"

"I mean," I said, still staring at the clouds, "maybe I act like an idiot because I'm scared. That if I let myself get too attached to you… that if we ever part ways—I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"…Shigeru."

"I don't know what I'd do, Lumine," I continued. "Me… all alone in this place. Without you. Without Paimon. Without Greg. It'd feel like falling into a void. So, maybe I joke around to leave myself a backdoor. An escape route from the hurt."

Lumine looked at me quietly, her lips slightly parted.

"I get it," she said after a pause. "I really do. You think I don't feel the same? I've lost people too. I know what it's like to keep people at arm's length so it doesn't hurt as much when they're gone."

She paused, then added quietly, "But sometimes… sometimes keeping people out just makes the loneliness worse."

I glanced at her, and she looked down at her lap, fiddling with the edge of her cloak.

"I used to think it was safer to be alone," she continued. "That way, I wouldn't have to deal with goodbyes. But after everything we've been through—after meeting you—I realized I was wrong."

She looked at me, eyes shining but steady.

"You might be an idiot. A loud, annoying idiot. But… you're also one of the reasons I still smile."

I turned to her, gave her another one of those rare genuine smiles.

"I might sound like a piece of shit for saying this, but… I like Nilou. I genuinely do. But you know what?"

I reached out and brushed a lock of hair from her face.

"I like you too. So much that the idea of having to say goodbye to you one day—it scares the hell out of me."

I exhaled shakily and looked away, my fingers curling slightly as if bracing for impact. "I don't even want to imagine what it'd be like. Walking through some random nation, cracking dumb jokes, and turning around just to find… you're not there. No eye-rolls. No sarcastic jabs. No you."

My voice trembled, and I hated it.

"I act like an idiot because it's easier than facing how deep this runs. You… you've become my safe place in a world that rarely makes sense. So yeah. I like you. So much that it feels unfair to admit it out loud. Because I'm terrified it makes things real."

Her expression crumbled. She stood up and looked like she was about to yell—or cry—or both. Then she just walked toward me and hugged me.

Tightly.

"What are you even saying?!" she cried. "Didn't we promise to stay together even in the future?! Don't tell me you're not planning on keeping that promise! I'll kill you, Shigeru!"

She sobbed. Real sobs. The kind that made me feel like my chest was both caving in and glowing.

"Promise me you won't say things like that ever again. Not even as a joke."

I nodded slowly.

"I'm even willing to share you with Nilou, you know? I swear I won't be too jealous… Just promise me we'll stay together."

"…You really would share me?" I teased softly, voice cracking a bit.

"You're the worst," she sniffled, smacking my chest with her fist. But even as she said it, her arms didn't move away. She stayed there, close, like she was clinging not just to me but to the ridiculous life we'd built together.

"But I mean it," she whispered. "I don't care how stupid you are or how many times you make me want to push you off a cliff. I'm serious about you, Shigeru."

I blinked, caught off guard. "Whoa. That serious?"

"Yes," she muttered into my shirt. "So don't say stuff like leaving again, okay? Or I really will push you off something."

"…Noted."

I looked at her, arms still wrapped tightly around me, and felt my chest tighten in the best kind of way. "You really would do that for me? Even share me with someone like Nilou, just so I wouldn't feel torn apart?"

She gave a little hiccup of a laugh, half-crying, half-scoffing. "I already said yes, didn't I? I've come this far with you. I'm not backing down now."

I sighed and chuckled. "I have no say in this one, do I?"

She looked up at me with tear-streaked cheeks, pouting.

I reached out and gently brushed the tears away. "Alright, you win, Blonde. We'll stay together. No matter what. With you. With Paimon. And even Greg."

A moment passed.

"…Even Greg?" she whispered.

"Especially Greg."

She let out a laugh, watery but real, and wiped her face with the sleeve of her cloak. "He'd be mad if you left him behind."

"He'd probably chase me down and scratch my soul out of existence."

"Probably."

We both sat again, side by side.

There was silence for a while.

"Shigeru…" she said.

"Yeah?"

"If you like me… and you like Nilou… what happens when you have to choose?"

"…I don't know," I admitted, my voice quiet. "But maybe I don't want to choose. Maybe love doesn't have to be just one shape. Maybe we write our own kind of story. One where no one has to lose."

"…You're still a dumbass," she said, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"And you're still my favorite dumbass-caller."

"…Still, I'm cuter than Nilou."

"Eh, debatable—"

"I will punch you."

"I mean, you're definitely the stronger one—"

"Better."

She smiled.

And in the distance, we heard the faint sound of someone tripping over something midair inside the mansion, followed by a sleepy lizard chirp.

Paimon was probably up.

And Greg? Still supervising the world in his dreams.

Under the tree, on that quiet bench, the day continued. And for once, the chaos could wait. We'll enjoy this peace.

But knowing my life?

Yeah, that's probably not gonna last long...

***

Port Ormos. The land of scammers, overpriced coconuts, and dreams crushed under the weight of mora-deprived idiots. We were back, baby.

After a day of emotional damage, domestic yard decorating, and me possibly breaking half our stolen loot in the teapot's at-home smithy like the responsible moron I am, we returned to reality—if you could even call this place that.

It was early. Like... sun-is-still-deciding-to-rise kind of early. And somehow, despite that, Lumine was already up, clinging to my arm like I was some rare plushie sold in limited quantities.

"Alright, so we should go to the meeting place now, correct?" Paimon floated ahead, rubbing sleep out of her eyeballs with her tiny fists.

I yawned so hard I nearly dislocated my jaw. "Let's just hope this time we don't get scammed again. One more mora scheme and I'm legally changing my name to Moron."

Greg, who had just crawled out of Lumine's hood like a demon emerging from its lair, let out a tongue flick. Silent judgment. Thanks, buddy.

Paimon blinked at Lumine, hovering beside her. "Hey Lumine, why are you clinging to Shigeru like he's your emotional support animal?"

"Apparently," I sighed, "she won't get that jealous anymore. Like, she won't kill me over Nilou anymore. BUT—plot twist—I am now contractually bound to never leave her side. Not even for a toilet break."

Lumine said nothing. She simply squeezed tighter and stared ahead with a face that said: 'Try me.'

Paimon nodded with a knowing hum. "Paimon gets it… or whatever."

Greg, ever the icon, climbed onto my shoulder like a pirate's companion. He was basking in the sun, which means he was either warming up for battle or just being Greg.

"You sure you're not turning into one of those clingy dragon lizards from Sumeru, Blonde?" I teased.

She glared up at me. "I'll turn you into grilled fish."

"See, that's the romantic tension I live for."

We reached the meeting spot Alhaitham mentioned two days ago. Honestly, I wasn't sure if we were here for a meeting or an ambush. Port Ormos tends to blur the line.

Paimon scanned the area like a floating radar. "Alhaitham sure is taking his time. Where could he be?"

"Oh, there he is!"

And lo, he approached—gliding like he just walked out of a cologne commercial. Sharp posture. Sharp jawline. Sharp biceps. He's basically a walking sword.

"Sorry to keep you waiting," he said with exactly zero guilt. "Let's head to the pier in front of Pharos Lighthouse."

"Yep! Let's go!" Paimon chimed.

I nodded. "Sweet. Time for the plot to uppercut us again."

We reached the pier.

Tariq was already there, arms crossed like he was ready to drop an edgy mixtape.

"Alhaitham… I knew you were crazy, but I didn't know you were crazy enough to actually show up."

"It was I who demanded that these negotiations take place," Alhaitham replied calmly. "I was more worried you might go back on your promise. But to your credit, you're sticking to your word."

"This is turning into quite an occasion," he added, gesturing toward us. "I also brought some backup — I assume you don't mind."

Tariq scowled. "Backup? Aren't you the brat from the restaurant the other day? You've come to support this lunatic because he helped you out? Hmph. Fine. Your funeral."

"Wow, I feel welcomed," I deadpanned. "I've been squaring up with gods, random Abyss bullcrap, and a dinosaur in Liyue that could sneeze me into oblivion," I said. "This little gang of yours? They're appetizers."

Paimon groaned. "Ugh, here they come! Uh, good luck you three!"

And boom—cutscene energy. Fists flying. Dodging, blocking, smacking fools left and right.

I threw the first punch because obviously, I had to assert dominance. One guy came at me swinging a broken wine bottle like he thought he was in a tavern brawl. I ducked, swept his legs, and sent him crashing into a crate of expired fish. A smell I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy. Okay, maybe on Dottore.

Lumine leapt forward like a blonde blur, wielding sword and attitude. She parried one guy's scimitar and kicked another in the chest so hard he coughed up his questionable life choices.

Paimon floated around shouting things like "Left! Your OTHER left!" and "Paimon believes in you—sort of!" while also dodging like her life depended on it (which, to be fair, it kinda did).

Greg, meanwhile, launched off Lumine's shoulder and clung to one guy's face like a clingy slime, hissing like he was possessed by a Geo Archon.

"Is Greg... biting him?" Paimon gasped.

"Greg has bloodlust," I said proudly. "My little menace."

Someone tried to sneak behind me. Bad move. I spun around, slammed a frying pan I didn't even know I was holding into his helmet. Where did I get it? Who knows. The laws of reality bent for me at this point.

"You brought a frying pan to a sword fight?" Lumine asked.

"It's called innovation, Blonde." I said and swing the pan again straight to another guy's skull.

"Come on, at least put up a fight!" I taunted, ducking a wild swing. "This is barely above tutorial-level combat."

"Focus, idiot!" Lumine growled.

"I am focused. On vibes."

Alhaitham was slicing through foes like they were arithmetic problems. Calm. Precise. And unfairly aesthetic.

A thug charged me. I dodged and kicked him into Lumine's waiting blade. We high-fived mid-fight. Greg hissed approval.

And then Mizri arrived.

He didn't walk. He staggered. Like a puppet cut from its strings. His Akasha Terminal glowed red like a cursed glowstick.

"Boss!" Tariq called. "Finally! Did you use it? Great! Now we can—"

Mizri didn't respond.

Then—

He screamed.

"BOSS?!" Tariq ran toward him.

Bad move. Mizri grabbed him and threw him at us like a trash bag with trauma.

"FRIENDLY FIRE, BRO!" I screamed.

Alhaitham lunged. "We have to cut his Akasha connection — now!"

One strike. Sparks. Terminal dead. Mizri collapsed.

Matra arrived with perfect, suspicious timing.

"Target acquired. Arrest him."

Alhaitham stepped aside. "I was only trying to help."

While everyone was distracted, he casually palmed the Divine Knowledge Capsule. Sneaky bastard.

Mizri, in a cracked whisper, muttered: "World… forget me…"

The air froze.

"What the heck was that about?" Paimon asked.

"Looks like he used the Capsule," Alhaitham said. "And it broke him."

Lumine glanced at me. "That's the same thing I heard at Irminsul…"

I leaned in, voice low. "We'll unravel it soon. I'm telling you, Blonde, shit's about to go down. Like, cinematic lore drops and tear-jerking plot. Like your confession this morning—"

SMACK.

"Still worth it."

Paimon exhaled. "So the Akademiya got the Capsule back, huh? So close…"

Alhaitham shook his head. "Possessing it doesn't grant divine wisdom. Only ruin."

"Did you hear what he said?" I muttered. "'World… forget me…' That's not just madness. That's regret."

Alhaitham nodded. "A warning. Perhaps too late."

"So what now?" Lumine asked.

"I'm heading back to the Akademiya," Alhaitham replied. "Our collaboration ends here."

"Wait! One more thing!" Paimon said. "Do you know how we can meet Lesser Lord Kusanali?"

"You don't," he said. "She exists outside the system. Most people don't even realize she exists."

"Everything about her is such a mystery…" Paimon whispered.

"We're heading back to Sumeru City," Lumine decided. "The Sabzeruz Festival's almost here."

"Then we part ways," Alhaitham nodded. "Until next time."

As we walked off, I looked back.

There he was, still holding the Capsule.

And me? I had one thought: I'm not gay, but if Alhaitham ever headlocked me with those biceps, I wouldn't even be mad.

Yeah.

We're so back.

______________________

End of Chapter 95

Quests Completed:

*Spend a heartfelt moment in the teapot yard with Lumine and Survive without getting smacked more than once

*Confess hidden fears, indirectly say "I like you too," and don't die from cuteness overload

* Lower your defenses and talk like a real person for once (Surprisingly)

*Meet Alhaitham for the planned showdown

*Win a gang fight with zero mora lost and maximum sarcasm

*Witness Mizri go full glitch mode after using the Capsule

* Earn another whack from Blonde for being stupid

Rewards:

*3x Emotional Growth EXP

*+1 Relationship Rank (Lumine)

*+5 Lumine's cute imagery (Sealed in my mind)

*New Status: "Clingy Lumine Mode: Activated"

*Greg Approval Level: (Maxed)

*1x Divine Knowledge Capsule Lore Entry (Suspiciously acquired by Alhaitham)

*10x Port Ormos Street Cred

Achievements:

"Benchmarked Emotions"

-Had a serious heart-to-heart while sitting on a bench. Emotional EXP +100. Tears not included.

"That Man's Biceps Should Be Illegal"

-Witnessed Alhaitham exist (again). Considered questioning your orientation. Didn't regret it.